ACT 2

ACT 2 will be released one chapter per day. Here’s your email notification option.

As I stated on the ABOUT page, one of my motivations for conducting the lit experiment is to fee d out a number of ideas, about how we can build a better world, that I have failed to move forward over the years. Some of those are innovative biz ideas, others are systemic reform ideas. In ACT 1 I wove three of thos ideas into the story, in chapters 6, 9, and 13.

I also teased an idea I call Commonwealth several times.For your possible amusement, here is a Yahoo News report on my fialed attempt to get the idea to Richard Branson.

Commonwealth is revealed to the public, for the first time,in ACT 2. But I have broken the idea up, in attempt to keep the story from bogging down.

For those of you who are interested in the idea, here is a separate page where it is presented exactly as I have pitched it as a conceptual proposal.

This particular version was put together for POSTMEDIA, which is by far the largest newspaper conglomeration in Canada, so it contains Canadianisms that will be lost on those of you who don;t know nothing ’bout Canada. But if you’re clever enough to understand the idea itself, you’ll have no trouble disregarding the alien nomenclature.

Now, with no further ado, here’s ACT 2, boop-bopp-beedoo!

16 – THERE IS NO MONEY IN VALHALLA

“…only the sci-fi geeks are clever enough to find a way to move us beyond money.”

17 – CONDESCENSION IN THE RANKS

“My friends in weird places might kill us all. In fact, they just might do that before this is all over, for one reason, or another, or just for the Hell of it.”

18 – TWISTING AND TURNING THE TIDE

Madonna knew the answer, “We don’t do business with the big guys. The fuckers won’t have anything to sell.”

19 – THINGS GET GAGA IN VALHALLA

Madonna grinned, and feigned protestation, “I’m a good Catholic girl.”

“Sure… according to Zappa’s definition of what a good Catholic girl is,” laughed King.

20 – HERE BE PIRATES… NOT

“How much bigger is this idea?”

Lance smiled, “Within a year, we have our own bank, the largest in the world. Within five, we have our own sovereign nation.”

21 – GERIATRIC GYMNASTICS

Over and over they fought for dominance, pulling each other’s hair, grunting and howling like rutting beasts. It wasn’t love making; it was ritualistic Klingon mutual rape.

22 – KABODLE STRUEDEL DIM SUM NOODLE

Kitty wore not a stitch, as she hot-footed it through a Dali-esque forest on the northern bank of the Pigeon River.

23 – IF YOU CAN KEEP YOUR HEAD

Then, as quickly as you can say, ‘Jesus Fucking Christ.’ Jesus’ head was rolling on the ground, and his feet were playing football with it.

24 – A TEMPEST AT THE TABLE

“Given how many of the chosen people will die after gathering to pray for protection, I wonder if anyone has considered accusing orthodox leaders of being Nazis.”

25 – KITTY TAKES CHARGE

To be more specific, Madonna was wondering if Kitty already knew that she wanted to fuck Lance, and was already making plans to do just that.

26 – BASTARDS BOND

“Gallant knights don’t fuck and run, leaving damsels out of dress in distress, with a bun in the oven.”

27 – STEPHEN THE HOODY HAS A PLANISH

She was thinking ‘I’ll put a stiletto rigt through your esophagus,’

28 – TWILIGHT ZONE ON THE KILLING FLOOR 1

“But I’ll give you one last chance. I advise you to walk away, or I’ll open you up like a pig on the killing floor.”

29 – TWILIGHT ZONE ON THE KILLING FLOOR 2

“Oh, c’mon” King sneered. “Is that what you’ve got? Is that all you’ve got?|”

30 – TWILIGHT ZONE ON THE KILLING FLOOR 3

“Don’t you think we should produce a reality TV show from inside a slaughterhouse, Stephen? You’d be the perfect host”

31 – TWILIGHT ZONE ON THE KILLING FLOOR 4

“Madonna asked King, “So, what hurt more; losing the million bucks, or the humiliation?”

32 – TWILIGHT ZONE ON THE KILLING FLOOR 5

And here came Kitty Kaboodle, vegan crusader, hottie heroine, friend and defender of animals one more time, screaming down the helter skelter slide, like death from above, with all guns blazing.

33 – TWILIGHT ZONE ON THE KILLING FLOOR 6

“Unable to produce enough murder for every table, the braindead meatheads said, “Let them eat dog. And cat. And rat. And bat. And anything else that bleeds!”

34 – LESSONS LEARNED

When Kitty’s pretty little ass disappeared from sight, Madonna asked King, “So, what hurt more; losing the million bucks, or the humiliation?”

35 – CLIMBING KITTY’S FAMILY TREE

“The whole thing started when it became apparent that a Trump presidency was a real possibility. We knew he would be divisive. We thought that he might inadvertently do to the USA, what Gorbachev did to the USSR, namely fragment it. Balkanize it.

36 – SEX LIES AND VIDEOTAPE

“You gonna make sure the tape is erased?”

“If he hasn’t already made a copy for himself, yes. I am going to protect the girl.”

37 – SORRY?

“I would die a happy man if I could ever be one of your dancers. In a concert, or a video.”

“Are you gay?”

“Do I have to be?”

“Well, it wouldn’t hurt your chances.”

38 – POLISHING THE PEARL

Madonna knew damn well her boyfriend wanted to see the girl get down and dirty. It comes with the dick, after all.

39 – ON TH ROAD TO MADNESS NO ONE CARES IF YOU SCREAM

“The insanity of it all,” Miss Kaboodle said in wonder. “What a strange species

What a mad, mad world.”

40 – HOW STARS ARE BORN AS MOUNTIANS CRUMBLE TO THE SEA

Kitty looked at Madge and wondered how many blowjobs Commonwealth would have saved her from having to administer, and grinned.

41 – THE LONG TAIL

“But if they’ll pay five bucks for a coffee, they’ll pay five bucks for a book, or album, or film. They won’t have a choice. They can’t force us to give them what we create.”

42 – ENTER ZAPHOD BEEBLEBRANSON

“Woman have been fantasizing about castrating men as long as men have been fantasizing about raping women.”

43 – NOT AT ALL LIKE A VIRGIN ATLANTIC

There was no mistaking the fact that the sexagenarian was being saucy, and Lance grew aroused, and horrified, simultaneously.

44 – SEX CRIMES

“Max was vile rich white trash. He used to have a large photo of him and OJ Simpson laughing their idiot heads off rigt above his desk.”

45 – WHERE’D THAT WEIRDO GO?

King, who had just been talking to his friend in weird places about Salmi, laughed a little nervously, and said, “Good luck with that.”

46 – THE MONEY SHOT 1

“What you need to understand, when it comes to Commonwealth, is that 99 cents of every dollar we ever pull in will be earned simply by starting the enterprise”

47 – THE MONEY SHOT 2

“Yes, but if a Mexican drug cartel leader wants to buy the Aussie’s book, for ten bucks, where’s the harm?”

48 – THE MONEY SHOT 3

“We’re going to see Bjork?” Kitty squealed. “I love Bjork!”

49 – BIRTH OF THE FREEDOM FRIES FIGHTERS

“Iceland has no military, so we just recruit a bunch of gun nuts, and take the island?”

50 – THE MONEY SHOT 4

“Without art, earth is just eh,” Madonna reminded everyone.

“Yes,” laughed Kitty, “but if you add sex, it’s fuckin’ eh!”

51 – ANTE UP

“After attempting to compete with Youtube, with Google Video, Google gave it up, and purchased Youtube for $1.65 billion, about a decade ago. Present value is estimated at $160 billion. And we are going to completely destroy it, using nothing but pennies.

52 – SEND IN THE CLOWNS

“The Attorney General of the ‘Show Me’ state has climbed up on his hind legs, pointed a cloven hoof at Beijing, and commanded, ‘Show me the money, chinky-chinky Chinaman!’”

53 – A PINHOLE IN THE FABRIC OF REALITY

“So, when he appears in the confession booth, the priest is surprised. And when he confesses to a murder, the priest is shocked.”

54 – THE PEOPLE VS JOHN GRISHAM

Miss Ciccone did not deny the accusation that she wants to rule the roost at the Vatican. In fact, she laughed manically, and confessed, with an absence of contrition, “It has always been my wet dream.”

55 -REAL MEN AIN’T AFRAID OF NO FAGGOTY CHINESE PUSSY VIRUS

Kitty agreed. “Agreed. He can wear one of her bras as a mask, although one of Dolly’s wouldn’t be big enough to cover that yapper of his, but never mind that. ”

56 – XBOX YOU SUCK

It’s always heartening to know that something that fired off in this massive, festering mess of looming dementia in my head has triggered a few moments of laughter for someone, somewhere!”

57 – PUSHING UP DAISY

Stephen sat back, entranced. Two tasty tarts flirting with each other was about the best floor show an old man could hope for in a family restaurant.

58 – NOT KEITH RICHARDS

“Do you seriously think she has to fuck a guy, or three of them, to get them to do what she wants them to do?”

59 – GOTCHA!

“He makes a small fortune, which he doesn’t even need, peddling bunk Viagra around the world.”

“Bunk Viagra made in China?”

“Yes. Even better; it’s all made in Wuhan.”

60 – HAIRWAY TO HEAVEN

Pulling up a seat at the table, Lance looked at his father and said, “This girl is the Dorothy Parker of gaming.”

61 – OKAY PARTY’s OVER EVERYONE GET BACK TO WORK!

“I hate one-eyed, one-horned flying purple people eaters. Actually, I kinda like them, because, like me, they don’t discriminate. They just fly around eating anyone and everyone.”

62 – THE PUCKHEADS ARE COMING! THE PUCKHEADS ARE COMING!

The boy looked at the girl with a mischievous grin, and confessed, “My mind was all over Madonna.”

The girl found the confession amusing, and asked, “Were you surfing stepmother porn?”

63 – THE GOVERNORS OF GIVIN’ ‘ER

“Drunk hockey! You don’t get on the ice unless you’re loaded. Goal scorers are breathalyzed on the spot. If they’re not legally drunk, no goal

64 – SEX IN A CANOE, ANYONE?

Eric the elder responded on behalf of the troika. Forgetting that it was actually Stephen’s idea, he said, “Thank you, Miss Kitty. It’s Madonna’s idea, so it’s a no brainer.” Kitty laughed at the mangled compliment, but didn’t bother to point it out.

65 – THE THRILLA IN MANILA, THE RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE, AND THE BLUNDER IN THUNDER?

“That’s funny, because we always wanted to see the Williams sisters fight the Klitschko brothers!”

66 – ENTER THUNDER BABE

The horse caught everyone’s attention, but it was the creature that strode by its side that all fixated on.

67 – WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW

Jock talk jabberwocky
jibber jabber blither blather
you can have it, doesn’t matter
pitter patter, let’s get at ‘er, yeah?

68 – IS LOVE SWEET LOVE

“For anything that is not rooted in love is bound to fail, in the end, and should fail, before it does irreparable damage.

69 – IT’S THE ONLY THING

“So, when cyber Love School rolls out, and spreads around the world, we might break the Internet.”

70 – LOVE IS ON THE AIR

“Please, carry on, but I’ve already awarded you a bushel of Emmys in my mind.”

71 – THE SHOW MUST GO ON

“With apologies to those of us who are afflicted with the Y chromosome, I believe only a woman could come up with what you’ve come up with, and only a woman can passionately lord over it to ensure that no man will stick his dick into it, and fuck it up.”

72 – THERE ARE NP PHONES IN FAIRY TALES

“The idea that finding a soulmate is nothing more than swiping rigt until your wrist throbs so badly that you sigh, and say, ‘Good enough’ is so banal, so thoroughly devoid of imagination and charm that Eros would weep, and drink a pint of pure hemlock extract if she were watching.”

73 – MAKING LOVE IS COMPLICATED

Smiling, first at Margot, then at everyone else, Kitty said, “Banksy.” Margot grinned and nodded her confirmation.

74 – WASH-YOUR-HANDS-ISTAN

“There is no time in the tunnel. Time does not exist. You come out the same time you went in”

75 – QUANTUM SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME

“Margot, are you one hundred percent certain that you came out of the tunnel the same time you went in?”

76 – DAISY TO BUILD THE GREAT WALL OF CHINADA

“Is it even possible for Canadians to be impolite?” Madonna wanted to know.

77 – HUSHA BUSHA WE ALL FALL DOWN

Lance cracked, “Every fucktard in the world is in a hurry to die these days. Wouldn’t bother me, but they wanna take the rest of us with them.”

 78 – ’ALL WANT SOME FREEDOM FRIES WITH YOUR DEMOCKRACY?

“Well, I would pass a law so that everyone in the building with a gun, rigt then and there, could sell their guns to the government for a million dollars a piece.”

79 – THE WORLD TODAY ACCORDING TO DAISY

“Well, I saw a pic of the white dude, and he is butt ugly, so I think the real story is this.”

80 – DAISY TROLLS

“It’s funny because most people freak out, as if Morgan Freemen, pretending to be God, was pointing at ‘em, and saying they’re the Grand Wizard of the KKK.”

81 – YA GOTTA ROCK OUT WITH YER COCK OUT

“It’s like a cow escaping the slaughterhouse, and walking in it a butcher shop.”

82 – WHEN DR. SEUSS MEETS MOTHER GOOSE THINGS GET GRIMM: THE PREAMBLE

Artists are lazy-assed weirdoes, and they always wanna change my story.”

83 – WHEN DR. SEUSS MEETS MOTHER GOOSE THINGS GET GRIMM: THE MONEY SHOT

“Tom Bombadil? That’s funny!”

84 – AYATOLLAH ANARCHISTS AREN’T ALLOWED IN ANARCHIA

“Great. Get your clothes off, and get Daisy to help you up on my girl, Karma. Don’t worry; she’s as gentle as can be. I’ll go get my camera.”

85 – SEEKER OF THE LIGHT

“Yes,” Kitty confirmed. “She was created by Stephen. And she has come from the darkness, to the light, to watch over us.”

87 – THE JOKER IN THE DECK

“And it is rumoured that every guy in LaSalle lost their virginity to one of the three, but none of them ever knew which one”

88 – SEND LAWYERS GUNS AND… PANTY HAMSTERS?

“But information is a commodity, and a weapon, and the more of it you have, the better your chances of succeeding.”

89 – OH WHAT A TANGLED AND TORYURED MESS YOU’VE MADE

“Well, you left her alone, in the dark, for fifty years, so it’s understandable that she has withered. I suspect Ponce de Leon’s fabled fountain is not to be found in the darkness.”

90 – JE NE VEUX PAS ETRE AMI

Madonna twitched. Her eyes blinked rapidly for four seconds, then she asked, “What the fuck was that? What just happened?”

91 – HOG SLOPPY ON THE EDGE OF THUNDER

“Thanks, Daisy. I’m sure it’s not a problem, but you better bring Madonna six more of whatever she’s drinking. Tell her Gaga sent ‘em.”

92 – DAISY DA MAN SHE GOTS HER A PLAN

“They can stick it in their asses for all I care, Miss Margot, pardon my French. I’m gonna send the first one to Trump. He’ll be all about it. I’ll cut him in for a piece of the action.”

93 – THE INCOMPLETE WORKS OF WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

“There’s a sillysaurus living inside her head. He’s big, and purple, and has a long neck. And he just runs around all night, pulling levers and laughing.”

94 – LOOK MOMMY THERE’S A DISEASE UP IN THE SKY

“The money and scientific genius we have all pissed away on militarism, when we could have been using it to fight poverty, and find cures for diseases that ravage us daily, never mind in a pandemic, is nothing less than a scathing indictment of our priorities as a species.”

95 – TRICKLE-DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE VOODOO FREAKONOMICS FOR DUMMIES

“It’s real easy. Y’all still use the Fahrenheit scale down under, but we use Celsius. So, when you cross the border, you gotta convert. So, how old are you in Fahrenheit years?”

96 – ZEN AND THE ART OF TUNNEL TRAVEL

“But, once, when Steve was taking me to see penguins in Antarctica, I had kangaroos bouncing around in my subconscious mind. We came out in neither Australia, nor Antarctica.”

“Where did you come out?” Lance asked.

“Cairo,” was the answer. “Another time, we ended up in India.”

97 – A PERFECT THUNDER STORM IN MONTREAL 1

“Bruins suck!” Margot laughed. “But I will inform you if your losers made a move!”

98 – A PERFECT THUNDER STORM IN MONTREAL 2

“You’ll have to mortgage your house to get a playoff ticket,” Eric said.

99 – EARLY EXIT POLLS SHOW KITTY IN THE LEAD

“Yeah, Bruins suck, coach!” Then he doubled down, by adding, “And so do the Pats, Sox, and Celtics, so go pawk the caw in Hawvawd Yawd.”

100 – HIT ‘EM WITH YER HAHA HOCKEY STICK

“Oh, Hell no, coach,” Marc laughed. “We’d all get beaten up, and run out of town, if any one of us ever brought the Lady Byng back to Thunder!”

101 – TOM BRADY GOT DA CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP HE GOT DA CLAP

“Don’t worry, kid,” Eric said, holding up his fists, “we don’t have the foil on.”

102 – OUTTA WHACK IN WUHAN

“VoV was waiting for us, before we got to Wuhan. She told us the lab had just been evacuated.”

103 – SPECULATE AND WAITE ATTORNEYS AT LAW AND MORE

King’s other abandoned creation looked at him, and asked, “Do you remember what story you left him in? Was it dark?”

104 – HELLO? CAN YOU FEAR ME NOW?

Madonna was the first to laugh, but Stephen wasn’t far behind. “Kitty and Lance may be too young to remember, but there was a time, not so long ago, when we all managed to live without having a computer the size of a Pop Tart in our hands, transfixing us like a hypnotist’s swinging watch.”

105 – THE KITTYSBURG ADDRESS

“In every corner of this planet, people are pondering, probably for the first time, the insanity of the world we live in, and the roles they are playing in it.