151 – THE TROUBLE WITH TRIBBLES

 

When Margot awoke and stumbled out of her bedroom, still half asleep, she found Daisy stretched out on the couch with a maniacal grim on her face. “Good morning, Daisy. You still high?”

The girl looked at the guru, and admitted, “Good morning, Miss Margot. Maybe. Maybe just a little. Or maybe I’m just Crazy Daisy, like everyone says.”

“Oh, Daisy, if you’re crazy, the world needs a million more, just like you. Listen, I have to go see the brothers. If you’re ready, I can drop you at home. Otherwise, you’re welcome to stay, but I may not be back ‘til late tonight.”

“No, but thank you for the offer. I should get home and see what Peanut Taco has gotten up to. I could hear her calling for me a few hours ago.”

As they headed north towards the Staal family compound, Margot asked, “What were you laughing about, when I came out of the bedroom?”

Daisy started laughing again, rigt away. “I was thinking about Star Trek, and space, the final frontier.”

“Tell me,” Margot said with great hope.

“I saw a meme, the other day. It said the scariest thing we could find on another planet is more humans. Which would be pretty funny. But then I thought, that’s what happened in every Star Trek episode. Captain Kirk and his crew were just zooming around the galaxy, crashing cosplay parties. And all the people, all the humans, who were at the parties were wondering, ‘Where the Hell did these space cadets come from, what kinda drugs are they on, and why won’t they give us any?’”

“That’s funny, Daisy!”

“Yeah, I thought so. Then I was wondering what it would be like to be one of those space floozies.”

“You mean the cosplay girls?”

“No. No, I left that idea behind, and was imagining that all the creatures they encountered were really out there, and it all happened for real, and Star Trek was a documentary. Kinda like Space Animal Planet.”

“Okay, that, too, is an interesting twist.”

“So, I was wondering what it would be like to be one of those there space floozies that Kirk was fucking all the time.”

“The captain did well for himself. A girl in every port. An alien whore behind every door.”

“Exactly! And he banged ‘em all, that spacemanwhore. He spread his seed everywhere he went. To boldly fuck what no man has fucked before, is what they shoulda said at the start of the show. I mean, he stick his dick in every damn floozy he met out there in space. I swear, he’d have fucked a tribble, if he could have found a hole.

“That’s the real trouble with tribbles. They ain’t got no holes for Kirk to fuck. That’s why he wanted them off his ship. ‘cause he couldn’t find a hole to jam his dick into. You gotta admit, tribbles weren’t no fuzzier than the jungle bush the 60s girls were sporting. They just purred louder. And that’s the only part of a girl guys are really interested in, anyway.

“Hell, Kirk musta thought he’d died and gone to Heaven, when he saw all those purring, fuzzy pussies everywhere. So, he took a bunch, a whole harem of ‘em, back to his room, but he couldn’t get his dick into any of ‘em, so he said, ‘To Hell with these things. What good’s a pussy I can’t jam my dick into?’”

Loving it, Margot played along, “So, why did the tribbles hate Klingons?”

“I thought about that. Gotta be because Klingons got huge schlongs! I mean, just look at ‘em! You just know they be packing some serious sausage. Way too big for those cute little tribbles, even if they had holes.

“But Klingons don’t care if there’s a hole or not, if they get horny. If there ain’t no hole, they just take out one of their big Klingon knives, cut themselves a hole, and jam their huge Klingon schlongs in.”

“I think every girl has had the same idea about Klingons.”

“Well, no offense Miss Margot, but you don’t gotta be Freud to figure that one out,” Kitty hooted.

“Speaking of Freud, you were fantasizing about being a space floozy?”

“I was so, and I ain’t ashamed of it, neither. And if Captain Kirk had showed up on my planet, I’d have done him in a heartbeat.”

“The Captain was a good looking guy,” Margot admitted. “I’d have done him, too.”

Daisy thought about the two of them taking on the captain, but wasn’t sure if Margot would find it funny, so she let it go. “I bet you would, Miss Margot, pardon my French. “But I was thinking that Kirk must have knocked ‘em all up, ‘cause you just know he’s got some really healthy sperm swimming around in that spacenut sack of his. I mean, that’s why he’s the Captain, rigt?””

“That stands to reason,” Margot laughed.

“Sure it does. So he musta knocked ‘em all up. And left ‘em all behind, the rotten deadbeat dad. Amd you know them girls got shunned by everyone on their planets, ‘cause everyone knew they fucked him. The girls musta been complete outcasts. And the poor kids! All of ‘em was boys, ‘cause Kirk didn’t got no girl sperm swimming around in that manly spacenut sack of his. He’s too manly man for that. There’s a whole legion of James T Kirk’s bastard sons out there, somewhere.”

“It would be funny if they ever met up,” Margot said.

“Oh, but they did, Miss Margot. All those space hussies got together. They started a #Metoo of their own, on the space Internet.

“And they all hitchhiked to Federation Headquarters, in San Francisco, to demand child support payments, and any other reparations their space shysters could get.

“And all them space floozies, and all their bastard sons raised Holy Hell to the Federation, and it cost a gajillion space smackeroonies to get ‘em to quit their sniveling.

“And that’s why Picard and his crew are so damn lame. I mean, would you fuck any ne of ‘em? I wouldn’t. No one would. After the Kirk fiasco, you had to be asexual to get on a ship.

“But it hardly don’t matter none, ‘cause everywhere they go, they don’t see no space floozies nowhere, no more, ‘cause word spread, and lingered like a peel the paint off the wall Romulan space fart. So, whenever the Enterprise pulls into orbit around a planet, an alarm goes off, and everyone yells, ‘Lock up your daughters! Lock up your wives! The humans are coming, the humans are coming!”

As the gals pulled into Daisy’s driveway, Margot stopped howling long enough to say, “I think you have a Star Trek sequel there, girl. You have a couple days off, rigt?”

“I do. I asked my dad for them off, since it ain’t gonna be no fun in Valhalla, when ya’ll ain’t there.”

“It’ll be good for you to take a couple days off. Maybe you can start working on a pilot script; The Trial of James T Kirk, space gigolo.”

Exiting the vehicle, Kitty smiled and said, “Maybe, Miss Margot. But rigt now I’m just gonna snuggle up with my cat, and sleep for a year. It was a real long night. Thank you so much.”

152 – LIVE LONG AND PROSPER… AND KILL ALL THE LAWYERS?

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