142 – OLD LEATHER PUSSY 5

When the laughter subsided, Madonna looked at Lance Lear. He didn’t have to tell her that he was relieved that she’d taken Old Leather Pussy for the farce it was. “It’s never gonna be a Bond film, of course,” she told him.

“Of that there is no doubt.”

“But it could make for great parody. Mike Myers made a fortune from his Austin Powers series, and I made a small fortune off it myself, and a Grammy, for Beautiful Stranger. This could be a raunchy riff on that trope.”

“I really hadn’t given it any thought, but I suppose you’re rigt. Would you do it? Would you play Old Leather Pussy?”

“Maybe. I mean, who could play her better than me?”

“No one, obviously.”

“I’m not sure I’d do something that’s just pure nonsense. Satire that doesn’t kick you in the head, while you’re laughing, is so safe. So… suburban. There’s a lot of funny in what you already have, and based on what you did in Die Laughing, I’m sure you can load a lot more hahaha into it.  But there’s potential to do more with it. We could really mule-kick people in the head.”

“We could. You’d be willing to collaborate?”

“Yes, why not?”

“I’m flattered.”

“As am I, Lance!”

“Beating on the Catholic Church is fish in barrel stuff. No offense. You’ve done it really well.”

“No offense taken, and thank you.”

“So, what else can we take a swing at? The casting couch?”

Madonna’s eyes closed, and her face contorted. Lance could feel her mind grinding on something unsavory. He waited until she looked at him before asking, “What?”

Walking to her laptop, Madonna said, “Me Too. One of the most disturbing things I came across in the Me Too maelstrom was written by an actress, who had never been asked to get dirty on a casting couch.”

She found the piece. “Here it is:

“Dorothy Parker once quipped, ‘Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.’

“The same could be said of girl’s with fat asses, at least until Freddie Mercury exclaimed, ‘Fat bottomed girls, you make the rocking world go round!’

“Not to be outdone, Sir Mix a Lot proclaimed, ‘I like big butts, and I cannot lie.’

“Today, girls who employ spectacles to enhance their vision can have men fawning over them, drooling all over them, and pawing at them, whether or not, ‘Baby’s got back,’ so long as she is not ugly.

“There it is! The ugly truth.

“With rare exceptions, ugly girls, like me, are not sexually harassed, or even objectified.

“To be fair, nor are ugly men. Even the most lascivious of God’s creatures, the libertine homosexual male, will not cast a sideways glance at an ugly man, unless, that is, he suspects the poor, aesthetically crippled beast is packing something the size of a baby’s arm in his jeans. But, I digress.

“I am an actress, or actor if you prefer the politically correct, sexless term. When God was passing out beauty, he passed me over.

“I am the progeny of ugly parents. Unfortunately, I inherited my mother’s large, hooked nose, and may father’s oversized chin. Fortunately, I also inherited their cognitive capabilities.

“Both my parents were highly respected university professors. If I had a lick of sense in my not so pretty, not so little head, I’d have followed in their footsteps, and gone into academia.  But no! The Ivory Towers are not for me, Fawlty Towers being far more appealing.

“I am a born thespian, and from an early age I lusted for the brigt lights of Tinseltown. So, off to Hollywood I went, way back when I was so much younger, and so much less unsightly.

“Despite the fact that I happen to be very good at acting (I do a wicked Lady McBeth – pun intended), I have never earned a starring role. Why? C’mon, do you even have to ask?

“The simple truth is that people prefer gazing rapturously upon beauty, to recoiling from the sight of me, and my ilk, myself included.

“Be that as it is, I was somewhat puzzled over the whole #MeToo movement. That Hollywood males had been sexually preying on women since the silver screen was created surely came as no surprise to anyone in the business, or even remotely connected to it, after all.

“And it’s not as if you have to have read Andrea Dworkin’s entire canon to know that men are pigs.

“That is not to say that the sisters who are standing up, finally, and denouncing the filthy role of the casting couch in our profession are to be ignored. Nay, far from it. More power to you, and indeed all of us, sisters. The libidinous swine who expect to be serviced by wannabe sirens of the silver screen should be exorcized, once and for all.

“All that said, and I say this with all sincerity, I wish I’d had the opportunity to sex my way up the ladder.  I wish that getting a starring role was wholly, or even primarily dependent on my willingness to get down on my knees, or up on my shoulder blades.

“I could have an Oscar, or two, under my 30 inch belt, if God had been sharing the wealth, instead of spilling it all over Pamela Anderson et al.

“At the very least, ‘I coulda been a contenda,’ damn it!

“So, I say to you, sisters, who are easy on the eye: walk a mile in my (size 12) shoes. Then you will know a whole different kind of pain and suffering. Until you do so, which you’ll not be able to, until your looks have faded, which they certainly will, your truly rigteous fist-shaking has a distinct air of a first world problem to it; so much pretty-privilege, n’est-ce pas?

“And let’s not pretend all you stunningly beautiful bitches aren’t lording your looks over those of us who did not win the luscious lottery. You think us homely gals don’t know you mock us, when we’re not around? Hell, you even get all catty about girls who are just as beautiful as you are.

“Being ugly is not a sin. There is nothing wrong with being ugly. Being ugly does not make anyone a bad person. So, why are we punished for our aesthetic short-comings?

“That is not a rhetorical question. I want answers, damn it!”

Looking up from the screen, Madonna concluded the sermon by saying, “She signed it with a hashtag: #UglyLikeMeToo”

143 – GABBA GABBA GOTCHA 5

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