139 – OLD LEATHER PUSSY 4

Although Madonna had asked him, twice now, to tell her all about Old Leather Pussy, Lance was still a bit hesitant. “You sure you wanna hear this?”

“Yes,” was Madonna’s one word answer, which was given with no facial expression.

Starting to rise to the challenge, and attempting to embrace the madness of it all, the boy said, “You want it hard, huh? You want it nasty? You want me to make you laugh your tits off, and beg for more?”

Madge could feel Lance’s energy, and it felt good. She had a feeling she was gonna be the world’s first Old Leather Pussy fan. “Hit me, baby! Hit me!”

“Okay, here it is. Old Leather Pussy is a crusty old fag hag, a crazy cat lady, a haggard, unshaven, defrocked nun, thrice excommunicated for lewd and lascivious acts perpetrated on pre-pubescent catholic girls.”

“Hang on,” Madonna objected. Lance stopped. “Pre-pubescent Catholic girls? She’s a pedophile?”

“It’s a first draft. It’s not even a draft, just a character sketch. But I agree, that’s pretty heavy and ugly, so I’ll flag it.”

“And thrice excommunicated? How the Hell did she get back into the church,after her first excommunication?”

Lance nodded, and said, “Noted and flagged. Put it down to a late night penchant for hyperbole and a half. The rest of it’s okay? Fag hag, cat lady, haggard, unshaven, defrocked?”

“I imagine I would love it, if it were someone else, not me.”

“It’s not you,” Lance assured her. “It’s a character.”

“A character based on me.”

“No. Not based on you.”

“Don’t sugarcoat shit, kid. Based on me, inspired by me, whatever. Same thing. Give it to me. Make it nasty.”

“You sure? You want me to stop?”

“Not until I’m laughing, and only long enough to make me beg for more, funny boy.”

“Okay. She’s hopelessly addicted to hillbilly heroin, hippie crack, and malt liquor.”

Noting that the long-In-the-fang sex kitten was not exactly purring, Lance aid, “I think you’ll appreciate this. Unlike all the other Bond villains before her, Old Leather Pussy is not out to destroy, or enslave the world.”

“A virtuous villain?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. Just jamming gibberish, at this point.” Madge nodded, and the boy carried on.”She’s convinced she is Madonna. Not you, but the Madonna.”

“And maybe she is?”

“Sure. Why not? Maybe she is. Anything is possible, especially at this stage.”

“Sorry, I keep interrupting. I’ll shut up and let you get it all out.”

“No, it’s okay. You’re not attacking anything, so you’re not crushing my balls. There’s nothing wrong with questions and feedback.” Madge nodded, and Lance carried on.

“She’s 100% convinced that she can bring about the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. And that’s the working title: Come Again!”

“You’re rigt, I do like this.”

Pleased with the positive feedback, the boy continued. “But it’s gonna take a miracle. Another miracle, because she is post menopausal.”

“Oh!” Madonna squealed, delightedly, waving her arm up in the air, like a school kid wanting to answer a question from the teacher.

Lance grinned and pointed at her, and she said, with great enthusiasm, “She has to fuck the Pope. The Pope has to bring her dead uterus back to life with his magic Papal seed. Has magic Papal seed that God himself has given him! The Pope has to fill her with God jizz!”

Thrilled that she was enjoying it, Lance laughed, and admitted, that’s exactly what Old Leather Pussy is out to do; fuck the Pope. But you are so much more enthusiastic about it than I was, when it came to me.”

“That’s because you haven’t wanted to fuck the Pope for fifty years.”

“You’ve wanted to fuck the Pope for fifty years?”

“Since before I started bleeding. I have wanted to fuck every Pope there has been in my lifetime. If I could bring them all back to life, I would do so, and let them run a train ion me. Every fucking one of them, since the origin of the Church.

“But I would kill every one of them in the act of coitus. I would literally fuck them all to death. I would give them a shining moment of absolute bliss, absolute harmony, absolute carnal and spiritual completion, before dispatching them all to the Lake of Fire.”

Her laughter infected Lance, and he laughed and laughed, and laughed out loud, “There’s mighty white of you.”

“It’s how I’m gonna get beatified!”

“Do I wanna know what you’re gonna do to get canonized?” the boy asked.

“I’m still working on that.”

“I bet you are!”

“Sorry, Lance, but you were rigt. I love the idea of Old Leather Pussy having to fuck the Pope. Milk the God seed, the Jesus jizz outta him, to bring about the Second Coming! It’s hilarious!

“And that she’s such a piece of poor, white trash is discordant as fuck, but works, somehow.”

“Wow! You’re taking this much better than I could have dreamed.”

“It’s not me, Lance. It’s just a character.”

“Correct. Old Leather Pussy is just a character.

“Tell me!”

“There’s not a lot more, but here’s what there is. Knowing that they will have a Hell of a lot of explaining to do, if Jesus returns, and not wanting to risk their 2000 year old empire, and global tax exempt status, the Vatican wants to stop you.”

“Her.”

“Huh?”

“Her. The Vatican wants to stop her, Old Leather Pussy, not me. Old Leather Pussy is just a character.”

“Rigt. Sorry,” Lance said, with an apologetic chuckle. “So they contract 007 to kill you.”

“Love it!”

“But Bond is no match for Old Leather Pussy. She always escapes his traps, dodges his bullets, etc. but never kills him, which she could do on several occasions.”

“She’s toying with him!”

“She is. She is extremely bitter, because she has been passed over as a Bond girl for decades, despite the fact that she has been an insatiable, A-list, global sex kitten.”

Hey! That’s me! That’s me, not Old Leather Pussy!” Madge laughed.

Since the sexagenarian was laughing, the teen didn’t bother dealing with her observation. “The whole thing culminates when you lead an army of Kung Fu fighting, singing and dancing altar boys to Vatican City.”

“And girls. Choir girls, too.”

“Sure. An army of altar boys and choir girls. The kids beat the bejesus out of the Pontifical Swiss Guard, and you all enter St. Peter’s Basilica.”

“They. They all. Old Leather Pussy is just a character.”

“Yes! Rigt. Old Leather Pussy uses her feline sense of smell to hunt down the Pope, who is hiding in a closet.”

Madonna laughed. “Nice touch. Hiding in there with a lot of others”

“Yeah. If we twist it enough, The Closet could be the name of an underground leather bar, literally underground, underneath Saint Pete’s.”

“There’s a potential musical in that!”

“Sure. So, when you find the Pope, you force feed him a dozen Viagras, and rape him. You ride the Papal baloney pony like a broncin’ buck, as a score of transvestite exorcists belt out Handel’s Hallelujah Chorus.

“But, before you rape him, you saunter up to the Pope, and sing

Don’t just stand there
let’s get to it
fuck me Pope
there’s nothing to it

Madge roared laughter. “Genius! Hilarious!

Don’t just stand there
let’s get to it
fuck me Pope
there’s nothing to it!

“And then you sing,

Come on, Pope
Let your body move to the music

And Madonna echoed him

Move to the music

And together they sang,

Hey hey hey
Come on, Pope
et your body go with the flow
go with the flow

“And, that’s all I have, so far,” said Lance.

Madonna walked over to the boy, laughing all the way, threw her arms around him, hugged him, pulled back, and sang

It would be
it would be so nice!

140 – SILLYSAURUS ON PSYCHEDELICS 5

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