Before Daisy could launch into the tale of her next LSD expedition into the infinite and surreal expanses of her inner mind, Margot stopped her, “Wait. You said you were starving. Do you want something to eat, or was that an inner body hallucination?”
Shaking her head and waving her hands, Daisy chuckled and answered, “No! The whole idea of food is so absurd when you’re on acid. Putting something in my mouth, and chewing on it? Swallowing it and turning it into poo? Well, that’s kinda interesting in a strange, kinda disgusting way, but not compelling enough to try it. But I am kinda thirsty, though. It’s pretty hot in Africa.”
Tickled to be in the company of such an entertaining creature, Margot said, “Yes, of course. Silly me. Of course it’s hot in Africa. C’mon, let’s move inside and hydrate you, you poor, parched cosmonaut.”
Telling Daisy to stretch herself out on the couch, Margot asked, “What’s your pleasure?”
“An ice cold beer would be good. Something light, maybe?”
“Perfect. Thank you so much. You’re so sweet.”
The gals cracked their Beaver Ducks, and saluted each other in the customary fashion, “Quack quack quack,” took deep drafts, and sighed satisfactorily at the fruity yum-yum of the brew. “Is this the first time you’ve ever hallucinated?” Margot asked.
“First time like that, yeah. I ain’t never been fully immersed into a scene before. I’ve always been a spectator, and it’s only ever gotten so far as a kinda really fantastic light show. Fractals and faces kinda thing. But I was rigt inside of that one. I mean I was a starving kid in Africa.
“It was insane in the membrane, Miss Margot. Holy shit. Just crazy. I mean, I’m still high as fuck, and that was fun as fuck, but I’m kinda glad it’s over.
“That’s fascinating daisy. You were never scared? Not scared now?”
“No, not for a second.”
“And you’re sure you remembered it all rigt?”
“Sure as grandma’s go gout, Miss Margot.”
Margot showed her phone to Daisy and asked, “is this the guy with the beach ball head?”
“Holy shit, Miss Margot. It is. I mean, it was more a caricature of him, but that’s him for real and true. Who the Hell is it?”
“His name in Tony Robbins. He’s the biggest, most successful motivational guru in the world. Has been for decades.”
What the Hell does it mean, Miss Margot?”
“I don’t know, daisy. Maybe nothing at all. Maybe you’ll figure it out and turn into one of the Buddhist monkeys, then you can be my guru.”
“Oh, no, Miss Margot. You’ll always be the guru goo-goo-ga-chew ‘round here. Besides, I don’t wanna be no guru to no one, anyhow. Too much responsibility.”
“Fair ‘nuff, Space Daisy. So, tell me; where else did you go? Who else did you meet. What else did you do?”
“Well, I don’t know that I was anywhere in particular. Anywhere n the real world, that is. And the scene, the backdrop, kept changing, anyway. It was a big city. Lotsa people, but none of them were close to us. Just all wandering around in the background. Mixed in with all the God damn churches.”
“Lotsa churches, huh? What kind of churches?”
“Every kinda church you ever saw. Christian churches, and Jewish churches, and Muslim churches, and Hare Hare Hare Rama Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna churches. They only kinda church that wasn’t there was the only one I wanted to see.”
“The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?”
“Sure as grandma’s got gout, Miss Margot. So, many churches everywhere, as far as the eye could see. And people. So, so many people. Thousands of billions of millions of people, going in and out of the churches.
“And standing rigt in front of me was 12 old guys. All Holy Shit guys. All of them wearing robes, and funny hats And all of them was looking at me and talking to each other, in all kindsa languages I didn’t know.
“So, I was just standing there, watching them watching me, and thinking, ‘What the fuck are you phony baloneys thinking? Better not have nothing to do with my ass, kind you ain’t getting’ no part of that sweet, you dirty old lechers.
“I think they heard what I was thinking, so maybe I said it out loud, the part about them not getting’ their dirty old hands on my too bootylicoius for you, goo-goo-ga-chew. They musta heard me thinkin’ that, ‘cause soon as I said it, they all pulled one arm each inside their robes and started fondling themselves under their robes.
“So, they were all gripping their holy books with one hand, and their smelly, old little dicks with the other. And they was all looking at me, real hard like.
“So, I said, ‘So, what the fuck y’all want?’ as if I didn’t know what the fuck theya’ll wanted. So, one of ‘em says to me, ‘We are prepared to make you an offer.’ And I just laughed my ass off. I literally fell to the ground, and started roiling around, laughing my ass off. So, when I finally composed myself, I said, ‘Dream the fuck on, fuckers. Not for all the money in the world.’
“And they all mumbled to each other, and mumbled some more. Then another one of ‘em, this one was a brown guy, I think he was Hindu, or something, said, ‘We think you misunderstand us.’ And I laughed, and said, ‘Oh, I understand y’all just fine. I mean, look at ya’ll, staring at me and fondling yourselves under your robes. I don’t need no God Damn sign language reader to figure that out.’
“So, they all noticed that they had, In fact, been playing pocket pool, even though they ain’t gots no pockets, and they stops with the tug tug tug, and pulls all their arms out, and puts their hands up, palm open and pacing me, as I sig n of peace, or something, I guess, fucked if I know, pardon my French.
“So, then a black dude smiles at me, and says, ‘Child, please hear me out. Our offer has nothing to do with what you were thinking.’ I just nodded my head, and said, ‘Uh-huh, uh0huh.’
“Then the dude gets to the point, finally. He says, ‘We are wondering if you would be willing to forego the opportunity to have children, forevermore, in exchange for living forevermore.”
“That’s an interesting offer,” Margot said. “What did you tell them?”
“Here’s what I told ‘em, Miss Margot. I said, ‘I already am immortal. And I can make children without any help from anyone, especially not the likes of you. That scared ‘em, and they all backed up a bit. Then I showed ‘em. I made 12 carbon copies of me, rigt there, rigt in front of them. All different ages, and sizes. All wearing the same costumes.
“That scared ‘em some more, and they backed up a bit more, and started mumbling to themselves, and to each other, and looking into their holy books, to see if they could find a picture of me.
“Then I scared the God Damn Hell out of ‘em, Miss Margot. Every one of us, all thirteen of us, reached inside ourselves, and pulled out our uteruses. They were our uteruses, but they looked like octopuses. And they was all alive, and squirming around in our hands. And we walked up to the phony baloney boys and offered them our uteruses.
“And I said, ‘Go on, take ‘em. Y’all want control of ‘em, don’t ya?? Well, take ‘em!’
“But they didn’t want ‘em, at all, at all, oh no, no no. They didn’t want ‘em at all. They was all scared shitless, and they turned and started running in all directions.
“But there was nowhere for them to run, ‘cause the whole city shrunk into just one rectangular square, with fifty foot walls on each side, and a glass ceiling over top. Kinda like a giant pinball table.
“All the people disappeared. It was just the thirteen of me, and the twelve of them. But not for long, ‘cause a dragon flew into the pinball table. And he was laughing! Roaring laughter. And all the old perverts were running all over the place, but the dragon hunted ‘em down, one by one. Amd he struck ‘em all with his tail, instead of burning them with his fire breath. When he hit one with his tail, it was just like lightning hit ‘em. And BOOM! a big thunder boomer filled the air.
“And they all got turned into toads. Every one of ‘em got turned in toads. Gay toads!
“And they started trying to make humpy hump with each other, all those phony baloney horny holy toads. But just as soon as one of ‘em would jump on another of ‘em, they would both explode, like hand grenades.
“And the dragon just kept flying around, laughing his dragon ass off.
“And when the last of the holy men had been blowed up real good, the pinball table turned back into a city, all the people came back. And when they saw the instant replay on the jumbotrom screen, half of them died, and the other half cheered and started hugging each other.
“I figured that was the end of that, so I just moseyed on along outta there.”
Speechless, the spiritual guru was, but clearly delighted by Daisy’s telling of the tale, which the girl concluded by saying, “Religion is just a bunch of degenerate old weirdoes wearing robes, and funny hats, and makin’ shit up. The choirs of liars should shut the fuck up and retire, before the dragons show up and start breathing fire.”