136 – OLD LEATHER PUSSY 3

 

“There is some irony in the fact that I came up with Old Leather Pussy, and subsequently the screenplay idea, listening to Christards lamenting the fact that you’d survived Boomer remover,” Lance told Madonna.

“Did you really?”

“Yeah. Kitty and I were driving though Iowa, listening to a Christian radio station. The lead item on their news report was that the Whore of Babylon, that would be you, had survived COVID.”

“Remind me to send them a note. ‘Sorry to disappoint you, yet again. But I’m surprised that you were disappointed to learn I have survived COVID, because that means your fantasies about tying me to a stake, and burning me alive may still come true. Keep praying brothers, and sisters, but pray a little harder, and a little louder, because it’s obvious that God is not listening to you. I wonder why that is, you hate-filled hypocrites.”

“I can help you spice that up, if you want,” Lance offered.

“It’s a first draft, kid, but I’ll let you know if I get stuck in the re-write.”

“No offense. Just an offer.”

“Thanks!”

“So, when they finished blaspheming you, they played, Die another Day.”

“That’s kinda clever of them.”

“I thought so, too. And I started thinking about you, and wondering if you’re pissed that you’ve never been picked as a Bond Girl, despite the fact that you were a globally famous sex kitten for such a long time.”

One word in Lance’s sentence boomed and echoed in Madge’s head – were. She wanted to protest the past tense, but let it go. “I did get a cameo in Die Another Day, so I guess I can console myself with that,” she said.

The boy managed to stick his other foot in his mouth by saying, “Did you? I’m sorry, I don’t remember that.”

As soon as he said it, he knew he’d fucked up. He scrambled his brain, and came up with the best follow up possible, “Honestly, I couldn’t see anything after watching Jinx sashay out of the sea. I could barely follow the plot after seeing that.”

Madonna admired the boy’s quick, and perfectly plausible recovery. “Good God, yes! That is the best Bond girl scene ever. I could have been walking beside Halle in that scene, naked, holding her hand, and firing a flame thrower at the Kraken, and no one would have noticed me, or the Kraken”

Careful not to agree too wholeheartedly, Lance said, “I can still her walking out of the water, in that orange bikini and white belt.”  Madonna said nothing, so the boy carried on. “Anyway, when they played Die Another Day, I started thinking about you.”

“And you thought, Old Leather Pussy,” Madonna laughed.

“I don’t always wanna think the thinks I think…”

“But you thinks ‘em all the same.”

“It’s true. Sorry.”

“Yeah. It’s okay. I understand. I don’t always wanna think the thinks I think, either,” This time Lance said nothing, so Madonna carried on. “Okay, so you came up with Old Leather Pussy before we met? You didn’t see me standing with your father, in front of Valhalla, and think, Old Leather Pussy?”

Lance was not about to tell her that that’s exactly what he thought, when he saw her standing with his father, at the doorway to Valhalla. “Fuck no. You looked amazing in that cheerleader outfit.”

“Thank you, Lance,” Madge said, not believing him, but not being mortally wounded by the lie. “But do you look at me now, and think Old Leather Pussy?”

Lance was not about to tell her that that’s exactly what he was thinking when she had him pinned to the floor, with her rack in his face. “Fuck no. You’re a remarkably attractive woman.”

Laughing, Madonna finished Lance’s thought, “For someone old enough to be your grandmother.”

The boy opted to dodge that, “I think you’d make an amazing Bond villain. Not just the real villain’s whore, who gets sent to kill 007, but the actual evil villain.”

“Okay, I’ll play. This could be fun. Tell me all about Old Leather Pussy. Who is she? What’s her schtick? What’s her evil plan?”

137 – SILLYSAURUS ON PSYCHEDELICS 4

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