Lance fell asleep listening to the sounds of Kitty laughing at his funny. The first thing Kitty heard when she woke up was the sound of Lance laughing at… something. Probably his own funny? Curious girl that she is, she knocked on the door to find out.

“Who’s there?” Lance asked.

Opening the door, and letting herself in, Kitty said, “tis only I, I’m afraid. Just little ol’ me. Who were you hoping for?”

That being a rhetorical question, Lance ignored it. “I take it, by the sounds of your laughter last night, that you are enjoying my book?”

“Daffy Donald is one funny fuckin’ duck, dude! I fell asleep, and just woke up, laughing at his total misanthropy.”

Delighted, Lance launched into the routine:

I hate the unborn.

Every time I see a pregnant woman I want to kick her in the stomach.


Because I know that parasite in there is gonna grow up to be someone I hate, and I’m never gonna get a chance to show the little fucker how much I hate him.

I hate Christians

I hate Muslims

I hate Jews

I hate Buddhists

I hate atheists

I hate agnostics

I hate Hindus

I hate pagans

I hate butchers

and bakers

and candle stick makers

I hate lawyers

I hate doctors

I hate firemen

I hate cops

I hate bankers,

But I have to admit I have a grudging admiration for bank robbers.

I hate politicians

I hate Republicans

I hate Democrats

I hate Greens

I hate independents

I hate communists

I hate fascists

I hate anarchists

I hate dykes

I hate fags

I hate bisexuals

I hate trannies

I hate straights

I hate asexuals

I hate pansexuals

I hate cripples

I hate numbskulls

I hate nitwits



and fuckwits.

I hate the rich

I hate the poor

I hate the middle class

I hate the oppressed

I hate the oppressors

I hate bullies

I hate victims

I hate black people

I hate brown people

I hate red people

I hate yellow people

I hate one-eyed, one-horned flying purple people eaters.

Actually, I kinda like them, because, like me, they don’t discriminate. They just fly around eating anyone and everyone

I hate white people

I really hate albinos

If we’re gonna blame everything on white people, why can’t we narrow it down further and blame it all on albinos?

Who’s more white than albinos?

Boil it down a little more, and blame it all on Albanian albinos.

Worst fucking people on Earth, I swear.

I hate women

I hate men

I hate children.

They’re just retarded midgets who can’t handle their alcohol, or pay their bills.

Bring on the Martians, so I can hate those green assed motherfuckers, too!

Did you catch that, all you self rigteous, self appointed guardians of the galaxy?

Or, do I have to repeat it all for y’all?

I am the most misanthropic motherfucker in the history of the human species.

I hate everyone.

And everything.

I hate the birds,

I hate the bees,

I hate the flowers,

I hate the trees,

I hate the air,

It makes me sneeze.

I hate everyone and everything.

So, you can stop pouring over every word I say, and write, and everything I do, searching for micro aggressions, tracking my social media history, like Inspector Javere tracking Jean Valjean through the sewers of Paris, looking for a reason to pounce, and denounce,

‘I’ve got him!’

You don’t have to expose me in front of the social media inquisition, braying for blood.

A witch!

A witch!

Burn him!

You don’t have to waste one second of your pathetic lives doxxing me, you humourless meat sticks, you pious pieces of excrement evacauated from a canine’s anal cavity, because I admit it.

I make Stalin look like the Dalai Lama.

I make Hitler look like Jesus Christ.

So, now that we’re all perfectly clear on that, perhaps we can have some fun, before we’re all dragged off to the torture chambers of the politically correct, for having the balls to laugh out loud at the inanity of the world in a public place.

The bodacious pixie’s bottomless black eyes sparkled like diamonds in the sky as she howled through Lance’s performance. Wanting more, she said, “Yes, I love how he hates! And I love his idea for job creation!”

Happy to oblige the girl’s obvious wish, Lance got into that.

“It’s simple stuff. Bury people in alphabetical order. It makes even more sense now, with the tax slaves of the world demanding their freedom to get back to being oppressed by the oligarchs and overlords. Give them what they want. They want jobs? Let them dig their own fucking graves. The kinda good, old fashioned Jobs for life that the old timers get nostalgic about. An honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay, before the Ministry of Eternal Taxation takes it’s pound of flesh, which will, heretofore and forever more, be two pounds of flesh, because someone has to pay for all that magic money that’s spitting out of the magic money making machines, and it sure as fuck ain’t gonna be the rich. Oh, no, the rich are here on Earth to be bailed by the poor.

“So, yes, bury everyone in alphabetical order. And as soon as you have, someone else dies and you have to dig everyone up and move them into their rigtful place. And when one of the luckily employed starts coughing, and hacking, and wheezing, just brain him in the back of the head with a shove, and push him into the grave he’s been digging, and hope it’s the rigt one. And, if not, no problem, because that’s just more work, and there’s always gonna be some poor slob lined up to take his job.”




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