One of the reasons artists generally make bad business people is that they find it difficult, nigh on impossible, to curb their creative impulses long enough to do enough of the serious, often tedious left brain work that is required to move a predominantly linear project forward.

Conversations among artists always go madly off in all directions, and so it was in the executive suite of the Valhalla Inn, on the outskirts of Thunder Bay, when Lance Lear, the boy who would be King, attempted to explain possible matters fiscal to his fellow conspirators.

Stephen King turned to his son and asked, “When you said we’d have our own sovereign state within five years, you meant Iceland?”

“Yes, of course,” was Lance’s answer.

“Iceland has no military, so we just recruit a bunch of gun nuts, and take the island?”

Kitty couldn’t resist cracking wise, TOO, “The Freedom Fries Fighters! The Freedom Fries Force!” And the whole thing went off the rails.

“Give me Freedom Fries, with plenty of ketchup, or I’ll give you death, you Godless, commie heathens!” King laughed.

And… Madonna jumped in, “But we have to invade Saudi Arabia, and Russia, first.”

The petroleum price war between Putin and the House of Saud had resulted in the price of a barrel of crude actually going negative. If you had somewhere to store it, traders would give you oil, and pay you to take to away from them. The world economy had officially gone down the crude-lubed rabbit hole.

Pretending she was holding a machine gun, Madonna affected a southern drawl, and pronounced, “We gots to go get that oil of ours, over there. We gots to seize the means of production from the commies and the A-rabs. We gots to intervene in the free market to restore sanity to the world, and make it safe for BIG OIL again! This crazy confusing communist collusion conspiracy gots to stop, brothers and sisters, amen!”

King took the baton, “I’ve got just the guy to lead the Freedom Fries Fighters. An old friend, he lives in Alaska. Got a few guns… well, a few dozen, actually. He’s gettin’ kinda bored, just sitting around waiting for a filthy Muslim raghead Hindu hippie commie junkie to break into his house, and try to steal his Freedom Fries, and rape his wife.”

“He’s probably okay with his wife being raped,” laughed Kitty, “but keep your filthy foreigner hands off his Freedom Fries.”

“Are there any filthy Muslim raghead Hindu hippie commie junkies in Alaska?” Madge asked.

“Sadly, no,” Stephen answered, “but his birthday is coming, so I’m gonna buy one for him, on dark web Amazon, and send him up by private drone.”

And… then Lance threw in, and off it went in another direction, “But all the Freedom Fries Fighters are white trash. We need more of a rainbow coalition, if we’re gonna go around the world liberating our oil. We need some brothers to throw down. We need some homeboys from the hood, to join this crusade for all that’s rigteous and good.”

“No,” said Kitty. “Can’t work. Home boys and Freedom Fries Fighters are oil and water. Fire and gas. They’ll kill each other in the invasion planes. But you’re rigt, we need a rainbow coalition, so here’s where the brothers and sisters come in.”

Kitty was laughing, and the others were grinning in anticipation. “If the goal is to make the world safe for BIG OIL again, people are gonna have to keep taking it n the ass at the pumps. So we get Snoop Dogg, and Missy Elliot to do an ad.

Snoop drives into a gas station. He’s dressed as Uncle Sam

Missy is pumping. She be the Statue of Liberty

Fill ‘er up motherfucker!

Missy points at the price, four bucks a gallon, and it’s goin up, and up

Snoop laughs, pulls out a fat wad of cheddar, and starts flippin’ Benjamins at Missy

Still laughing, Snoop pulls his pants down, and says, Fill ‘er up, motherfucker. Then he starts singing,

I take it in the ass
for the red white and blue
and if you love America
you do too, nigga!

And Missy Liberty pumps his skinny little ass with a gas nozzle strap-on.

Snoop keeps laughin’ and flippin’ the cash around. White guys, in five thousand dollar suits, fight over the bills, like a pack of bitches in heat, battling it out for a slick, stiff, pink dog dick under a full moon.

I take it in the ass
for the red white and blue
and if you love AmericA
you do too, nigga!

Then you see and hear the teenaged cheerleaders. Painfully beautiful, young girls, of all colours, chanting,

U S A!
U S A!

We take it in the A
for the U S A!
U S A!

we take it in the A
for the U S A!

And then Fiddy Cent rolls in. He’s got a posse of Men in Black. One of them hands him a briefcase with a big ass CIA logo on it. He opens it. It’s full of blow.

Fiddy sells kilos to the oil  execs. They chop out some big fat lines on the hood of Fiddy’s Caddy, for the cheerleaders, who get it in the A, for the U S A, from the oil execs, when they bend over to snuffle up the snow.

And all the way through it, you hear Whitney Houston singing God Bless America, underneath all the beats and the bleats and the cheers and the chants.

Kitty smiled, signaling that she was done, and was treated to a rousing round of applause. And then Madonna lead them all in a few rounds of

I take it in the ass

For the red, white and blue

And if you love America

You do, too, nigga!

“Did you catch the Freedom Fries Fighters in action today, in Denver?” King asked the kids. They had not.

“They were rolling a convoy through town, demanding their freedom. A couple health care workers, wearing scrubs and masks, blocked an intersection where they had stopped for a light. Asked them to go home. Stay inside. This fat fucking cow hangs out her passenger window. She’s wearing a USA t-shirt, and carrying a sign that reads LAND OF THE FREE. And the cow yells at the scrub, ‘GO BACK TO CHINA!’”

The kids sat silent, letting that one sink in. Kitty looked at King and asked, “Remember that scene in Terminator 2? Arnold is working on a truck engine. The kid, John Conner, is watching some real young kids, playing with toy guns, and arguing. He looks at Arnold and says, ‘We’re not gonna make it, are we? People, I mean.’”

“Before you know it,” Lance laughed, “the Freedom Fries Fighters will be going door to door, telling people to get back to work, or get out of America, go back to China.”




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