13 – ALL THE NEWS THAT’S NOT FIT TO PRINT

 

“You know what’s not in the news these days,” Kitty asked., pointing at the Star Trib.

“All the news that’s not fit to print,” Lance posited.

“Very good. Yes, but more specifically, climate change.”

“The last time I paid much attention to that was a couple months ago, when scientists were urging people to commit civil disobedience.”

“I remember. They were citing the suffragette and civil rigts movements as examples of how that strategy worked.”

“Sure, sure,” Lance said. “But did you notice that the scientists weren’t offering themselves up, en masse, for arrest?”

“That’s what the proles are for.”

“Sure. But the scientists had a much better option. I tried to post it on the climate science subreddit, but the mods deleted it rigt away.”

“Tell me.”

“Hang on. I have it on my blog,” Lance said, clicking a few icons. “The header is:

SICK OF SCIENCE, SICK OF SCIENTISTS: YOU MOTHERFUCKERS HAVE HAD A FREE PASS FOR FAR TOO LONG; YOU FIX THIS SHIT, ASSHOLES

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Scientists endorse mass civil disobedience to force climate action, huh?

Fuck you!

You sit there, hiding behind the skirt of a 16 year old girl, and telling the rest of us to do the dirty work, risk our freedom, while you collect you paycheques, watch Netfix, and order in through Uber Eats? Ya’ll gotta lotta fucking nerve. What the fucking fuck is wrong with you fucking bitches? Seriously.

You fuckers have been the de facto priestly class since the Enlightenment. You speak a language the rest of us don’t, just as the priests who ruled before you. We bow down to you, for you are the omniscient ones, unassailable, loving. Everything has to be scientifically proven to be true, even when it ain’t necessarily so.

You gobble up money like herds of hungry, hungry hippos on hills of Himalayan hummus, first proving this, then that, and then disproving both, before saying it requires further study, and MORE MONEY.

You want us to believe that you are working for all of us? Shut the fuck up. You’re whores like the rest of us. You sell yourselves to the highest bidders. Always have.

ENOUGH!

You want us all to go out and fuck shit up, get arrested, and leave our fates in the hands of THE LAWYERS?

No.

Here’s a better idea.

YOU fix this shit.

You have the power.

Here’s how:

Stop working. One week, no cancer research. the next, no staring into the stars. Etc. etc ad infinitum.

You encourage other professions to do the same. One week, no grade one teachers, the next, no high school history teachers.

One week, no plastic surgeons, the next week, no pediatricians.

One week, no criminal defense lawyers, the next week, no divorce lawyers.

One week, no mechanical engineers, the next week, no chemical engineers.

I’m not talking about a general strike that brings everything to a halt. I am talking about inconveniencing people until shit gets real. What happens when that happens? People start SCREAMING. And politicians start SQUIRMING.

It ain’t fucking rocket surgery, Einsteins.

I hear that 90 + percent of you believe that climate change is man made, and it is the beginning of the end of the world as we know it. So, put your fucking money where your fucking mouths are. Or, maybe you don’t really give a flying fuck. You’ll all be dead when the real carnage starts, so who gives a fuck, rigt?

You say the comet is coming? Well, here’s some news for you: all the dinosaurs are in a daisy chain, one fist buried in the ass of the dinosaur in front of them, and trying to steal his money with the other hand. No one is listening to you. You have to BRING THE NOISE. If you haven’t noticed yet, the dinosaurs are stupid. And greedy. You’re gonna have to KICK IT a Hell of a lot more, if we’re gonna save our sorry asses.

Oh, but maybe my idea is too radical for you, huh? If so, that’s funny. Reminds me of the comic in which a doctor tells a patient he has two options: become a vegan, or quadruple bypass surgery and a heart implant, and the patient says, “Vegan? Jeez, doc, that’s pretty radical, isn’t it?”

Putting his phone back in his pocket, Lance grinned at Kitty, and waited for her verdict.

“Nice rant! Too angry for Reddit, home of all who always have their cranky pants stapled on?” she laughed.

“Evidently so.”

“Maybe Mr. Money is running that sub.”

Mr.money

“Funny! Maybe.”

“You know what else is funny about that war of words, and pie charts? Lance shrugged. “The deniers. Actually, labeling them deniers was a propaganda master stroke, but I am surprised the Zionists didn’t get pissy, and try for a cease and desist order for violating their Trademarked intellectual property. But never mind that. The deniers. The ones who go on, and on about how it’s all natural, beyond our control, and say it’s really a scam by wannabe oligarchs and overlords to replace the existing ones.”

“And maybe it is?”

“Maybe. But, if so, so what? Everything in life is a competition. We, all of us, are the result of a competition between the forty million spermatozoa daddy blew into mommy. So, if the wannabe ruling class manage to dethrone, and replace the fuckers who are there now, and they do so by bamboozling all us chumps with an absolutely massive climate change hoax, it’s nothing more than socio-economic, and poli-psychological Darwinism.”

Lance whistled. “That’s good. But we don’t need a new ruling class.”

“No, but we just might get one, when all this shakes out.”

“The King is dead! Long live the King!” Lance laughed, finishing off his drink.

“Long live the King, and his Queen!” Kitty laughed, knowingly.

14 – DROP THE PUCK! GAME ON!

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