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KILL ALL THE LAWYERS

My screenplay – KILL ALL THE LAWYERS – is so different from anything that’s ever been produced that it’s only right to make it in a very different way – without money, without lawyers, without banks.

I’m looking to team up with film professionals in the bitcoin community who want to turn my wickedly intelligent, perversely funny, and breathtakingly dangerous story into a film that will make people want to watch it again as soon as the closing credits roll.

I used Bohemian Rhapsody as a kind of instrument panel for the pacing of my yarn, which thunders along, screeching around hairpin turns, screaming down lose-your-stomach hills, storming up steep inclines, and scorching across prairie-flat straightaways, all the while laughing maniacally and howling hysterically like a gas-huffing hyena with six adrenal glands and no idea what fear is. Naturally, I understand that not even Evil Knievel could maintain that kind of pace forever, with or without performance enhancing stimulants, so I also slow it down enough for viewers to marvel at the madness of it all – Yes, Scaramouch, I will do the fandango!

I’m just a stupid writer who doesn’t know anything about making films. I’m so word oriented that I dream in rolling screens of text. But you know all about making films, right?

In my dreams, I see Johnny Depp (maybe Russell Brand?) and Lady Gaga in the lead roles, with Terry Gilliam directing but but but but….

And, no, we don’t need no stinking lawyers. Don’t be a scumbag and we won’t have to bring lawyers into it. The bitcoin protocal has contractual mechanisms built into it and these can be used to steer clear of lawyers. It’s really a very simple escrow – two parties agree to a price for goods or services and appoint a third party mediator to settle any disputes. That mediator makes his decision and uses his “key” to the escrow account in conjunction with the winning party’s key to unlock the funds contained therein.

Readers’ Digest says Tom Hanks is the most trusted person in America. That’s good enough for me. If he’s willing, we’ll trust To m Hanks to settle all disputes. Like Tom, I have recently been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, and I’d be thrilled to show him how he can get the disease under control by switching to a largely raw food diet. I’ve created all sorts of very tasty raw food dishes that I’d be happy to share with the Oscar winner because it’s a lot easier to go raw if you know how to make it yourself.

If Tom doesn’t want the job, we’ll get the Dali Lama :)

Talk to me, people:

katlmovie@gmail.com

Here’s how the film opens:

Scene 1           Disclaimer     

A lawyer walks into the camera’s view. He has some papers in his hands. He clears his throat and starts speaking

LAWYER

Before we can allow you watch this film we must take a number of legal precautions.

This is a work of fiction. It is a potentially dangerous piece of art. It is, in no way, meant to incite you, the viewer, to kill, or in any way harm, one or more lawyers.

By purchasing a ticket to watch this movie you have entered  into an implicit contract that indemnifies everyone who had a role in the production and/or distribution and/or promotion of the film against any legal action that may result from damages, physical or financial, that you, the viewer, may visit upon one or more lawyers, at any time in the future, at any location on this or any other planet.

Should you, the viewer, while watching the film, or at any time thereafter, feel a strong urge to run amok, slaughtering lawyers, you are strongly advised to seek professional help from a qualified mental health professional.

The preceding sentence is in no way to be construed as a libelous, actionable questioning of your present, past or future sanity.

Now, if you would be so kind as to raise your right hands, and repeat after me…

The lawyer fumbles his papers and drops them to the floor. The papers are all connected, like the old dot matrix printers used to use. The pile of papers is very long

LAWYER

…we can get on with the show. Should you have any questions about the following contractual pledge, we advise you to leave the theater immediately and consult a lawyer

Shakespeare, comes out and shoots the lawyer in the face before saying

SHAKESPEARE

Fuckin’ lawyers. Alright, on with the show!

Scene 2           Young Pablo gets an idea

Young Pablo is in a juvenile detention facility, behind bars. He’s reading Henry VI and laughing. Camera comes in tight on the line, “First thing we do is KILL ALL THE LAWYERS.” Pablo laughs maniacally

Scene 3           Opening credits

Opening credits roll over the screen as a gang of lawyers rape Lady Justice

Scene 4          I’m a busy man

Jane fucking her hubby, missionary style. He cums, rolls off her.

JANE

Hey!

Hubby starts dressing

 HUBBY

I’m a busy man, Jane. I don’t have time to wait around for your orgasm. I have to take a deposition in half an hour

Hubby is out the bedroom door. Jane gets out of bed and selects her outfit for the day

Scene 5                       First task force meeting

Biggish room with about a dozen people in it, chatting, drinking coffee

FEMALE 1

So, why did the Muslim terrorists incinerate 350 lawyers?

MALE 1

Why?

FEMALE 1

Because Allah fucking Akbar, baby!

They laugh and high five. Door opens and in walk two guys. Everyone shuts up

HEAD

Everyone take a seat please. Mayor Cuervo?

MAYOR

I’ve just returned from meeting the President at the Whitehouse. She has asked me to head up this joint task force.

She’s asked me to congratulate those of you who lost your lawyers in the liar’s pyre, yesterday and say better luck next time to those of you who did not

  Much laughter

MAYOR

Okay, that’s the last dad lawyer joke I want to hear… unless you’ve got a really good one.

FEMALE 1

Why did the Muslim terrorists burn 350 lawyers to death?

Mayor shrugs his shoulders

MALE 1

Because Allah Fucking Akbar, baby!

The room explodes with laughter. Female 1 punches Male 1 and calls him an asshole

MAYOR

Okay, everyone settle down. Seriously. That’s it for the dead lawyer jokes.

The official death toll now stands at 358. Going up in flames is a horrible way to die… even for lawyers. It falls to you to find out who is responsible and to bring them to justice.

Phil Head, here, will be be overseeing the investigation and reporting directly to myself and the President.

I’ll leave you all to get better acquainted and get to work

Scene 6           Jane talking to Akecheta in his office

JANE

Go after his family. His precious daughter. How much does it take to plant ten keys of blow on her? I don’t care if it’s not enough to seal a conviction. Let’s make their lives miserable

Akecheta just stares at her

JANE

Look, I am going to be mayor of this city and you’re going to be my chief of police. Fort that to happen we have to make it very clear to New Yorkers that we are not going to sit back and let organized crime run and ruin this city

AKECHETA

You’re so crude, it’s almost vulgar. You lack finesse, kid.

JANE

Okay, you come up with a better idea.

AKECHETA

As an ex of mine once so wonderfully put it – let go of my ears, I know what I’m doing.

Jane picks up a copy of the NY Post, sitting on his desk. Screaming front page headline – LAWYERS BURN IN “HELL”. Also on his desk is some kind of Christian doo-dad – crucifix, statue of Christ etc

JANE

Now, what the fuck do you think about this?

AKECHETA

I’d say the Post’s headline writers have outdone themselves this time.

JANE

Yeah, it’s a beauty. Al Queda?

AKECHETA

If it was, they just went from zeroes to heroes in the eyes of a lot of Americans. They keep this up and they will quickly become exactly what this country needs.

JANE

Which is?

AKECHETA

A  legitimate third party

JANE

You know the problem with Islam?

Akecheta is doodling NUKE MECCA on a pad on his desk     

AKECHETA

No. But I do know what the solution is

JANE

Yeah?

AKECHETA

Never mind. What is the problem with Islam?

JANE

The Muslim world never underwent an Age of Enlightenment. Science and reason never beat fanaticism into the dark shadows of disrepute.

Had that happened, Muslim fanatics would be far less dangerous. They’d be on a par with our Christian lunatics.

How’d they do it? Whoever they are?

AKECHETA

Divine guidance?

JANE

Your good Lord hates lawyers?

AKECHETA

Why do you think he created Hell?

JANE

Well, leaving aside Al Queda, your good Lord, and an overzealous Shakespeare fan with his moon in Dante, what should we be looking for, here?

AKECHETA

Dick

JANE

I’m not looking for Dick

AKECHETA

Your attire says different

JANE

I don’t have time for this. I have to be in court in an hour

AKECHETA

Pablo Fiasco

JANE

The artist?

AKECHETA

He prefers to be referred to as the smartist

JANE

What about him?

AKECHETA

Just a hunch. A wild guess. I know something you don’t. What do you know about him?

JANE

Not much. Enfant terrible of the art world. Pretty boy

Akecheta looking at Fiasco’s Wikipedia page

AKECHETA

Le grande enfant terrible. He created a video game called Kill God.

Jane smiles

The following can be a “silent” flashback game-action scene with Akecheta doing the narration

AKECHETA

The game starts with the Archangel Michael making an appearance in Hell to have a talk with his lost brother, Satan. Michael informs Satan that God has lost his nut. He is going to smite all Earthly disbelievers and create a thousand year Reich, during which anyone who so much as looks at him sideways gets burned to ashes

JANE

Burned to ashes? Really? Just like all those lawyers

AKECHETA

Correct. Anyway, Satan shakes his head in disbelief and summons Jesus, who, apparently, is a guest in Hell. Satan explains the situation and commands Jesus to go forth and Kill God.

JANE

Well, every boy wants to kill his father at some point.

AKECHETA

Jesus starts the battle at his birth and moves forward through time. Along the way he must smite those who have killed, or harmed, in his name, in order to get to the next level – the crusaders, the mobs at the Salem Witch Trials, pedophile priests. In his last battle before he gets to Heaven, to go mano a mano with his old man, Jesus must slaughter the Pope. Mercilessly. With extreme malice.

JANE

Let me guess; that heresy was a winner?

AKECHETA

If you had kids, chances are they’d be playing it. He’s still making a fortune from that one. At any given time you’ll find a million or so reprobates playing live, online, at killgod.com

He fronted an avant-garde, underground, surf-metal band called Something Wicked this way Comes.

The following can be a silent “silent” flashback scene with Pablo and his band kicking it and Akechetadoing the narration

JANE

Ray Bradbury

AKECHETA

Bradbury got it from Shakespeare. Macbeth. Act four, scene one. ‘By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.’

JANE

And Bradbury got pissed at Michael Moore for Farenheit 911? That’s funny.

Jane checks her watch and twirls her index finger

AKECHETA

Like Henry Rollins before him, he got bored with rock ‘n’ roll and gave it up for something more edgy. Something with a little more intellectual gravitas, I believe, is the way he put it. He became Homopope.

Jane looks at a pic of Pablo on screen

JANE

He’s gay?

AKECHETA

No. He’s a fuck-shit-upper. Just loves to fuck shit up. As for gay, I don’t think so

JANE

Good

AKECHETA

What?

JANE

Nothing

AKECHETA

Or… who knows? Maybe he is. But he pandered to the gay community. He went after the Catholic Church in a very disrespectful manner.

The following can be a silent “silent” flashback scene with Akecheta doing the narration

AKECHETA

He would set up shop outside Catholic churches on Sunday mornings wearing a Papal mitre and bondage gear

Jane smiles

AKECHETA

He would taunt parishioners by quoting Jesus –‘ If anyone says, I love God, but hates the brothers or sisters, he is a liar…Whoever loves God must also love the brothers and sisters.’

Later in the day, he would hold court at gay brunches, where he would take confessions and offer absolutions for all the sinful acts of debauchery that were committed the night before. He recorded all those filthy, lurid confessions and made them available to homopope.com subscribers. Made a fortune.

Jane smiles

AKECHETA

When Benny the 16th got called to the great gig in the sky, Homopope raised a queer army and marched on the Vatican.

JANE

Yes. I remember that. Blood in the streets.

AKECHETA

Close. Ten thousand screaming fags parked themselves in St. Peter’s Square, and prayed for pink smoke. They chanted, ‘Pink smoke! Homopope! Pink smoke! Homopope!’

Italian soccer hooligans didn’t care for that much. Nor did the mafia. Offended their mothers. The Italian army had to be called in to prevent a massacre. The Cardinals were forced to appeal for calm to prevent bloodshed. They also had to pick a new Pope double plus quick to put an end to what was, for the Catholic Church, a nightmarish circus.

JANE

They should get themselves so worked up about pedophile priests.

AKECHETA

Did you ever stop to think that maybe Satan is behind all that business?

JANE

Satan?

AKECHETA

If you were Satan, or even Satanic, would you not attempt to tempt the Lord’s messengers, in order to discredit the Lord?

Jane rolls her eyes

JANE

So, every child raping priest can get himself exonerated by saying the devil made him do it?

AKECHETA

We will all be judged in a higher court.

Jane shakes her head

JANE

Okay, Fiasco’s a social deviant and a heretic. So what?

Jane twirls her finger

AKECHETA

He’ll burn in Hell. He’s a vile degenerate, a filthy blasphemer. But a fuckin’ eh smart one

Jane twirls her index finger again.

JANE

Yes. The smartist. What else?

The following can be a “silent” flashback scene with AKECHETA doing the narration

AKECHETA

He started the whole mail order groom business, with groom with a broom dot com. He saw that women, in this advanced age of sexual liberation, were ready to start treating men, or boys, the same way they have been treated for eons. He understood that the ladies wanted a man who could cook, clean and fuck their lights out.

JANE

And every cougar with a six figure salary, and/or bank balance, divorced her fat, old, impotent husband and bought herself a third world groom with a broom.

AKECHETA

And a donkey dick!

JANE

Nice.

Jane twirls her finger.

JANE

What’s he doing these days?

AKECHETA

The world is waiting to see his next lurid collection of vile paintings.

Jane twirls her finger

AKECHETA

For the past decade and a half, he’s been painting scenes of Popes getting together to… ummm… sexually blaspheme Jesus.

This can be a“silent” flashback scene with Akecheta doing the narration

JANE

Bukkake Baby Jesus. I’ve heard about this.

AKECHETA

Yeah. Even Damien Hirst was shocked and appalled.

He puts a handful of Popes together in one painting. They’ve arrived at the nativity scene in a time machine. All of them are splooging on baby Jesus.

He hopes to get all 265 Popes into the paintings before he dies. His justification for this filth is that, according to him, the policies and practices of the Catholic Church are defiling the message and spirit of Christ.

JANE

Well, he has an argument.

AKECHETA

What would you know about it?

JANE

Settle down, Chief. At least he’s ambitious.

AKECHETA

Hell is filled with ambitious souls

JANE

Amen, brother. When is his next BBJ show scheduled?

AKECHETA

No one knows. Probably not even him. I think he’s been sidetracked with his latest project

JANE

Which is?

AKECHETA

Jawjaw.

JANE

The… talking thing?

AKECHETA

Right. The… talking thing. He realized that people who are practically living online really do want to meet, and have interesting conversations with, real live people. He’s giving them the opportunity.

JANE

And they are availing themselves of the opportunity.

AKECHETA

More than two hundred franchises opened up across the country in the first nine months and he’s about to take the concept global.

Jane  looks at her watch, twirls her finger. Akecheta is about to say something when Jane’s phone rings.

JANE

Okay, on my way.

Jane turns to Akecheta

JANE

You still haven’t told me anything.

AKECHETA

I don’t have anything It’s just a hunch. And I don’t always tell you everything.

JANE

Why do you know so much about him?

AKECHETA

I’m on a mission.

Jane opens her eyes wide

JANE

From God?

AKECHETA

I’m buying a stairway to heaven.

Jane rolls her eyes

JANE

You’ll be asked to be on the investigating task force. Pass on it. Tell them your caseload is already too daunting. But tell them that you can join later, when you’ve cleared some things off your plate. That way, they’ll keep you in the loop.

If you and I succeed, where all others fail, we’re heroes and one giant step closer to where we want to get.

AKECHETA

Already been asked. They’re meeting right now.

JANE

Why aren’t you there?

AKECHETA

My caseload is already to… daunting. I’ll join them later, when I’ve cleared some things off my plate.

Jane smiles

JANE

You serious about this hunch of yours?

AKECHETA

I am.

JANE

Okay, play it and see where it goes. But keep it between us, for now.

No one is going to kill all the lawyers on my watch, Chief.

But don’t limit yourself to the smartist. You are not Inspector Javert, he is not Jean Valjean. And I wanna know what I don’t know when next we parlez, oui?

****

Wanna see the rest of it? email me – katlmovie@gmail.com

 

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