It’s really hard to get a hate-on for Sweden. I’ve been trying since Friday, and despite the Swedish atrocities I am about to reveal to you, I still don’t feel the bile rising in the back of my throat when I think about the silly Swedes and their goofy yellow costumes.
The Swedes have never harmed Canada. They sure as fuck have never harmed a Canadian on the ice because, well because, they’re Swedes and they just don’t play that game. We, on the other hand, have committed some heinous crimes on the ice. In 72, Bobby Clarke was told by assistant coach John Ferguson tha tthe Soviet star Valerie Kharlamov needed, “A tap on the ankle.”
The hockey-mouthed kid from Flin Flon
did as he was told.
Much has been made over the years about the Game 6 incident. The Soviets claimed that Clarke broke Kharlamov’s ankle. But watch that video again and you will notice that Kharlamov doesn’t even go down. Kharlamov missed Game 7 but was back on the ice, and skating pretty damned will for a guy with a broken ankle , in Game 8 If Clarke really did break Kharlamov’s ankle, and Kharlamov missed only one game, it’s more proof to my idea that the Soviet players were not human, that they were manufactured in the bowels of the Kremlin, along with all sorts of other, evil, lifeless things.
Then there was the time when Mark Messier split Vladimir Kovin’s head open with the most brutal elbow to be thrown on a sheet of ice since Gordie Howe hung ‘em up for good. It was the 84 Canada Cup. Round robin game. Kovin is ragging the puck around his net, with his fucking head down, and Messier gives him a little Welcome to Canada
The Soviets won that game, 6 – 3, but we beat them a couple days later, in the semi final, 3 – 2, and them went on tho beat the Swedes the final, 5 – 2.
Clarke and Messier are Canadian hockey heroes. Both of them are in the Hall of Fame. And, while I’m not saying what they did was right, I will say that I would have done the same. And in a very sick way, I’m proud of them. Hey, what do you want? You want me to lie and say I ripped up their cards when they did what needed to be done? I may be a monster, but I’m an honest one.
So far as I know, we’ve never given the Swedes the Soviet treatment on the ice. Not when they are playing for their national team, at least. But Borje Salming took a Hell of a lot of abuse when he and Inge Hammerstron became the first Europeans to pay in the NHL. The Swedes came into the NHL when the league was at its ugliest. His first season with the Leafs was 73 – 74. The Broad Street Bullies (aka the Philadelphia Flyers) won their first of back-to-back cups that year. The Flyers were so violent that they made the Big Bad Bruins look like.. well, like Swedes, in comparison.
Salming was hacked, slashed, punched, speared, spat on, run over, mocked and booed from the moment he geared up to play for the Toronto Maple Leafs. He once got kicked in the face, probably by accident, that opened him up for 250 stitches
None of which ever knocked him off his course to the Hockey Hall of Fame.. Throughout it all, Salming never turned ugly. He just kept playing hockey.
The NHL has been the home for Sweden’s best players for thirty or forty years now, and I can’t think of one that was a violent miscreant like our heroes, Clarke and Messier, were. So, back to the dilemma – how do I get a hate-on for the Swedes? How do I get so blind with hockey passion that I can pump a fist in the air and say “FUCKIN’ EH!” if it should come to pass that Ryan Getzlaf finds it necessary to elbow one of the Sedin sisters into next week, in the next couple hours?
Is it necessary for me to become an ugly Canadian? Well, in a way, it is. I only ever get rally excited about hockey when it’s best on best international hockey for all the pucks. Which only happens once every four years. When the puck is dropped, for realsies, for keepsies, I want to milk it for every bit of electricity I can get out of it. There are two kinds of joy. One is good, the kind when you celebrate your team’s victory. The other is bad, when you celebrate the other team’s defeat. It’s a sporting yin and yang. There’s an almost Zen balance to it. It’s kinda like fucking your girlfriend’s bets friend – sure, it’s wrong, but it’s real, and it feels oh so good, at least when you’re immersed in it.
Fortunately, for you, my fellow Canadians, I come from Fin stock. My old man’s family were Finns. And Finns know more about just how ugly Swedes are than anyone else in the world. Take this, for example: It was a Swedish armaments company that made most of the guns the Finns used to fight the Soviets in WW 2.
The Swedes also made the bullets for the rifles, and sold them to their Nordic bothers in arms. Te bullets were the wrong caliber. The guns could not fire them. Now, in a perverted, Canadian hickey kinda way, that’s kinda funny. And the Swedes laughed all the way to the bank over the joke. But, if not for the grand stand against Stalin that was made by the Finns, Swedes would be speaking Russian today. Eve in this hockey tournament, it took the Finns to again beat down the rotten Russians. The Swedes would have been slaughtered by the Russians.
Now, here’s a direct quote from wikipedia aboout thse lovely neutral Swedes and their heroic efforts to defeat the fascists in WW2
“During the German invasion of the Soviet Union, Sweden allowed the Wehrmacht to use Swedish railways to transport (June–July 1941) the German 163rd Infantry Division along with howitzers, tanks and anti-aircraft weapons and associated ammunition, from Norway to Finland.”
Good guys, these Swedes, huh?
It should come as little surprise that the Swedes gave the Nazis a free pass because they had some things in common. The Nazi ideal of a blond haired, blue eyed master race
has its roots in Scandanavia. And like the Nazis, the Swedes were big fans of forced sterilization.
Now, let’s fast forward it to today and let me drop a name on you – Juilan Assange
A man stands up and defies BIG BROTHER. For the good of us all. Uncle Sam looks around and says, “Who will help us crush this monster?”
And the Swedes drop to their knees and say, “Me! Pick me! I’ll suck your dick, Uncle Sam! I love you, Uncle Sam!” The Swedes contrive a bogus charge and Assange will spend the rest of his life inside the Ecuadorean Embassy in London.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Sweden! Fuck their pussy brand of passive aggressive, politically correct hockey. C’mon guys, get out there and show them how real men play the game.
I could, if I had time, tell you much more about the evil Swedes, but we’re just a half hour from puck drop, and I need to fetch some pivo from yonder market and get lubricated, so if you’re not already convinced, you’ll just have to take my word for it when I tell you that there are many good reasons to hate Sweden today.
Wait, this just came in from Julian Assange. He’s been busy working on something for the Swedes
GO CANADA, GO!