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Nyet nyet Soviet!

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“Montenegro could become legitimate target”

PODGORICA — Russian State Duma Deputy Mikhail Degtyarev has threatened that Montenegro could be targeted by Russian missiles if that country joined NATO.

“Before the crisis in Ukraine flared up, Russian Ambassador to Serbia Aleksandr Chepurin commented on Montenegro’s orientation toward Euro-Atlantic integrations to remark that there were ‘monkeys in politics, like everywhere else.'”

Indeed!

Bring it, monkey man!

You seem to forget that this is land of Tito, who told STALIN to go fuck himself. and Putin ain’t no Stalin just as much as Dan Quayle wweren’t no JFK.

(thumps chest repeatedly and lifts a defiant finger to the east, while barking “NYET, NYET SOVIET!”

wha hahahaha

We’re goin’ for 25 and we don’t take no jive

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habs cup

Habs haters are always blathering on about how us Habs fans are always blabbering on about history.

Here’s the math, dummies: unless THE CUP is in your possession, all you have is history.

At the moment, the only fuckers who have bragging rights over us are the Blackhawks.

The rest of you fuckers don’t have TWENTY FOUR banners hanging from your rafters. You don’t have HABS HISTORY. That means that, until THE CUP changes hands, we take shit from ‘hawks ‘fans and no one else.

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

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Molson recently bought the local Montenegrin brewery, Niksicko

The standard Nik bottle has been 500 ml

nik

Now, restaurants are pushing 330 ml bottles, which are, of a sudden, priced higher the the 1/2 litre bottles ever were

The smaller bottles are now green, instead of the traditional brown, an obvious attempt to bamboozle rubes into thinking there is something different in the more expensive bottles.

i suspect this odious gambit will soon spread into the local stores

if it does, i will, i kid you not, appear at the Canadian embassy and threaten to douse myself in nik and light myself on fire.

rage

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

 

They say that masturbation is a sin, but Patrick Roy proved that “pulling the goalie” prematurely pays off some times and can even turn tears into laughter

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As history has recorded, Patrick Roy is not overly fond of coaches who leave their goalies in between the pipes when it’s clear they should be elsewhere.

roy and tremblay 1

roy and trembaly 2

So it should come as little surprise that St. Patrick pulled Semyon Varlamov when his Avs trailed the visiting Minnesota Wild by a goal late in last night’s opening game of their Round of 16 playoff series. 

roy pulls goalie

Any coach would have pulled his goalie in that situation, of course. But Roy yanked his ‘tender with three minutes and one second left on the clock.

It’s a foregone conclusion that Roy will win the Jack Adams Trophy (best coach) this year, but if the NHL had a time machine Gary Bettman would be DOCTOR WHOing himself back in time this morning,

dr who time travel

so he could hand the hardware to Roy last night. Bettman would have to go fetch the Adams Trophy from wherever it’s kept (the Hockey Hall of Fame, in Trawna?)

4.1.1

and ABRA-CADABRAed himself back to Denver as soon as Varlamov broke for the Avs bench.

If there were any justice in the world (past, present or future), Bettman, the stupid Mairkan, would have been left behind in the past, but more likely the case that the bastard would, through some sort of black magic, have wriggled his way back into the British Police Call Box and made it back to the game.

Bettman would have to remain in the shadows with the trophy until Paul Stasny made a genius out of Roy by tying the game at 4 with 13.4 seconds left on the clock (this time travel expedition is really fucking up my tenses, huh?). But when the red light started spinning behind the Minnesota net, Bettman could have appeared next to whomever was doing colour commentary from between the benches

between the benches

and explained what was going on.

Then, when Stasny scored the winner at 7:27 of the first overtime, Bettman could pounce over the boards, order the spotlight to beam on him, not Stasny, and hand Roy the silverware.

Indeed, it’s a good thing that my Habs are serious cup contenders, because if they’d not made it into the playoffs, me and the entire population of Quebec would be howling for the head of Marc Bergevin for passing Roy over and installing Michel Therrien as the bench boss of les Glorieux, instead.

Three minutes and one second? Are you kidding? No one pulls their goalie with that much time left.

Well, actually, I’ve seen it before. Actually, actually, I played in a game where our goalie was pulled with over 19 minutes left to play.

Yeah, yeah, I know, you don’t give a fuck about my glorieux days. You wanna read about the NHL playoffs. Well, go ahead. I’m sure you can find tens of thousands of stories about last night’s games in less than a second. But this is the only place your ever gonna get this story, and I’m the only fucker who can tell it.

I’m the only one who can tel it, in the written form, because – while there were a couple thousand people who witnessed it, or were involved in it – I’m the only one who is literate enough to write about it (we are talking about hockey players and fans, after all, n’est-ce pas?).

I was playing Junior, in Manitoba. Tier II Junior A. The Snow Lake Spartans. It was 1982. We had the worst team in the history of Junior hockey. We had no business being in a Junior A league. Junior C, maybe.

Snow Lake is so small it doesn't even appear on the map of Manitoba. It is located about halfway between Thompson and Flin Flon, approximately 500 miles north of Winnipeg

Snow Lake is so small it doesn’t even appear on the map of Manitoba. It is located about halfway between Thompson and Flin Flon, approximately 500 miles north of Winnipeg. Or maybe it’s not even there anymore.

We were contenders at the start of the year. Then the price of copper dropped horribly. Snow Lake, you may have guessed, is a copper mining town. The team lured players by getting them jobs in the mine. When the bottom dropped out of the precious metals market, half our team packed their bags and went home. I wasn’t going home. I didn’t give a fuck about job. In fact, I didn’t even take job when it was offered to me. Me and job don’t care much for each other.

So, it was me, a couple Indians from Sioux Lookout and a bunch of homeboys, some of whom were pretty damned good. Some. Like… one of them. The rest were bums. Including our goalie, who was 14 years old. Back then, Junior hockey started at 17. If you were real good, you might make a team at 16. Not even Gretzky played Junior at 14. Our goalie was 14. The last line of defence behind a very porous blueline.

Seriously, we sucked. A good midget team would have kicked our asses

No, no, not that kind of midget, you ignorant, racist Mairkans. Midget is the last age division before Jumior

No, no, not that kind of midget, you ignorant, racist Mairkans. Midget is the last age division before Jumior

A bunch of girls could have beaten our asses, especially if they looked like this!

hockey babe

Even these guys could have stomped us

sled hockey

Our goalie, the little fucker, was… well, a little fucker. He was under five foot.

peewee

Even for a kid, that was short. And he wasn’t good enough t be playing Bantam A, never mind Junior A. But he was a keener. And we had no choice. Coach asked if anyone wanted to put the pads on and get between the pipes.  We were averaging about 75 shots against, per game, by then. Coach got no takers.

We were in The Pas. The Huskies had already pumped about a hundred shots on the poor kid by the end of the second period. The kid only let in a dozen or so goals, but his entrance into the dressing room was something like this

The Huskies scored two more in the first minute of the third. Coach Baird, a hometown boy,

baird

threw his hands up in the air and ordered the kid to come to the bench. For his own protection.  We didn’t have a backup goalie. It didn’t matter; Ken Dryden could not have saved us.

dryden

Fuckin’ H E Double Hockey Styx, Jesus Fucking Christ could not have saved us.

jesus goalie

The Huskies’ coach laughed. The fucker was falling down laughing behind his bench. When he ordered his goalie to the bench, the whole arena burst into laughter.

The officials conferenced. They scratched their heads. They determined that there was nothing in the rules necessitating the use of goalies in a game. They dropped the puck.

We lost 24 – 8.

It was like playing pond hockey! There wasn’t a single fight in the third period. If a junior game went a period without a fight in those days, it was a sure sign that the apocalypse was nigh. The Lost Tribes of Israel must be gathering in the parking lot outside the rink. The ref was turn into a Sasquatch. The The menstrual blood of  unbaptized virgins was going to stream out of the Zamboni.

zamboni blood

There. That wasn’t such a bad story, was it? It didn’t hurt you none, did it?  You’ll remember it long after you’ve forgotten all about last night’s games, won’t you?

Good. Now share it with your friends. If you do, I promise to come back with more yuks for y’all, yeah?

Let this be the last year of the NHL

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It’s one of the oldest jokes I know. Every hockey fan in Canada has heard at least as far back as when I was a kid, back in the 70s – You know it’s autumn when the Leafs are falling; you know it’s spring when the Leafs are out.

Bye bye Trawna.

leaf fairy

See you next year, losers.

Despite the fact that the only thing I like about Trawna is Rob Ford

ford shirt

I would like to see the Leafs make the playoffs a little more often. And fuck me dead! the last time a Canadian team won the cup was when my Habs beat the Gretzky Kings in 93. Gretzky’s Kings beat the Leafs in a semi final that went to seven games, depriving Canadians of a Habs/Leafs final.

habs kid punches leafs kid

There has not been an all Canadian Cup final since original six expansion in 68.

original six

12 teams

That sorry story has to change.

Yes, I do have a plan. My plan would mean that there would never be another all Canadian Cup final, but it would also mean that there will always be a 50/50 chance that there would be at Canadian team facing off for hockey’s Holy Grail.

But bear with me a minute, while I give y’all some background.

Between 68 (expansion past the original six) and 93, Canadian teams won the Stanley Cup 16 times.

68, 69, 71, 73, 76, 77, 78, 79, 86, 93

68, 69, 71, 73, 76, 77, 78, 79, 86, 93

84, 85, 87, 88, 90

84, 85, 87, 88, 90

89

89

In the same period, American teams won 10 cups.

In that time span Canadian teams lost in the finals twice.

82

82

83

83

Canadian teams won the Cup six straight years, from 86 to 90.

Since the Habs skated away with Lord Stanley’s silver chalice last, in 93,

habs 93

Canadian team,s have reached the finals only five times. Four of those five times, our champions broke our hearts n game seven (Canucks 94 and 11, Flames 04, Oilers 06 – the Sens lost to the Ducks in five games, in 07).

This year, the only Canadian team to make the playoffs are the Habs. Who will win the Cup this year. But, if I had my way, there would be four Canadian teams, including the Leafs, in this year’s playoffs. And there would be four Canadian teams in the playoffs every year.  And four American teams. And four Russian teams. And four European teams.

I first came up with this scheme when it was evident that the 05/05 lockout was coming to an end. Tampa Bay had beaten Calgary in the 04 finals,

I don't ever wanna see that filthy rodent laying his greasy claws on the stanley Cup ever again. I'd rather see him molesting children

I don’t ever wanna see that filthy rodent laying his greasy claws on the Stanley Cup again. I’d rather see him molesting children

before the relationship between owners and players got very cold and the ice melted.

The work stoppage created a fantastic opportunity to make significant improvements to what had become a god-awful product. And even with all the “improvements” invoked since hen, we are still stuck with the same mediocre, damn-near-impossible-to-follow league we had when the Lightning skated off the ice with the Stanley Cup.

The idea that a team from Tampa Bay could win the Stanley Cup is proof positive that the NHL has mutated into a creature that no hockey fan can understand. That Carolina and Anaheim have won it since gives me an aneurysm. The Tampa Bay – Calgary series was a great final only because Calgary was in it. But would anyone have watched so much as a period if Tampa Bay had played Nashville for the Cup? The answer to that question is FUCK NO!

Can any hockey fan get excited by the prospect of one day seeing Carolina playing Anaheim in the finals? How about Phoenix vs. Columbus? Doesn’t that give you goose pimples just thinking about it?

As can be said for many things in the world, the biggest problem with the NHL is Mairka.

To steal your shit, rape your women and kill you?

To steal your shit, fuck your women and kill you?

There are far too many teams in places they don’t belong.

Hockey is never gonna make it in markets where it has to compete with this for the attention of males in January

Hockey is never gonna make it in markets where it has to compete with this for the attention of males in January

That fact, more than even the neutral zone trap, has made an NHL season an eight-month borefest. If hockey is going to gain back its title as the world’s greatest game, radical steps have to be taken because expansion into places like Florida, California and Arizona has made the NHL the worst professional sports league in the world.

The solution is simple — scrap the NHL and start over. Create a truly International Hockey League by having a North American conference and a European conference. Twelve teams in each conference, two divisions of six within the conferences.

Kill off the Canucks (Vancouver isn’t really part of Canada, anyway. If you can’t, at noon on January 1, flood the main intersection of a town and play hockey an hour later, you’re not in Canada and you sure as Hell can’t do that in Raincouver). Move the Sens to Quebec City (The Battle of Ontario is a Herlequin Romance

battle of ontario

compared to the Battle of Quebec).

battle of quebec

Nuke all but Chicago, Detroit, New York (Rangers), Minnesota (make them the North Stars again), Colorado and Philadelphia south of the border.

(Yes, Boston fans, no more big, bad Bruins. What’s the point? They’re never going to beat the Habs in the playoffs again, anyway, so why bother?)

Six teams in Russia.

Plus Stockholm, Helsinki, Prague, Berlin, Munich, Zurich.

euro hockey

Another problem with the NHL is that there are too many games in a season. We don’t need 82 games.

The IHL season would be 68 games long. Each team plays its conference rivals twice at home and twice on the road, for a total of 44 conference games. All teams make one swing through the other continent, playing all 12 teams once.

This will create a genuine sense of expectation for each and every game for the home fans.

fight

sikhs

Wouldn’t fans be happier to shell out their money to see a team from mysterious and exotic St. Petersburg, Berlin or Prague than a bunch of lunch-buckets from Columbus, Dallas or Washington?

At the end of the 68-game season, four teams in each conference are eliminated. Canadian champs play the American champs for the right to contest the Stanley Cup against the European champs.

In the IHL, a Canadian team would do battle with a pack of hockey infidels from the good old U.S. of A.

Ice Hockey - Winter Olympics Day 14 - United States v Canada

for the honour of battling the champions of Europe for the greatest and most prestigious trophy in sport every year.

That’s drama, intrigue, rivalry, patriotism. That’s what can make this once great game great again.

And, even if the Canadian champions were to lose to the hated Americans once in a while, a final between Minnesota and Moscow is still going to be more compelling than a Florida- San Jose final.

Let’s face it, hockey fans, the NHL sucks. Hockey deserves better than the NHL. Hockey fans deserve better than the NHL. Hockey fans on both sides of the Atlantic deserve an International Hockey League.

 

Sex crimes

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phone call

An FB friend posted, today, that, after a long period of online harassment, it is believed that the stalker has been identified. The alleged stalker was stalking and harassing a lot of people.

The victims believe they know where the stalker works.

I suggested that, if the victims are sure that dude is guilty, dead sure, they should call his place of employment, when they know he’s not working, and ask for him by name. When they say he’s not there, ask them to tell him to call Detective Ryan at the RCMP Sex Crimes Division, as soon as he comes in.

Super size my freedom fries, slave

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I have a friend, who claims to be a libertarian. He and I both know that he is not. Marina mocks him, saying, “Real libertarians will not play with you.” But he continues the charade, kinda like the guys in the nuthouse who claim to be Jesus, or Napoleon etc.

My friend does not believe in coercion. He is, of late, campaigning for an end to minimum wages. He insists it’s for the good of the working poor.

Minimum wages exist now. Let’s say it’s $7 an hour. I think it safe to assume that the people working for minimum wage are not in favour of having of a pay cut.

So, my friend, who does not believe in THE STATE, or coercion, want to use the power of the state to take money away from the poor slobs.

I assume that my fiends, and his like minded brethren, are in a minority. I doubt they have a great deal of popular support for their scheme. So, they are attempting to use whatever power they have to convince the government to steal money from the working poor. 

I would not be surprised to learn that my friend’s friends are giving money to their friends in government in an attempt to take money away from the working poor. In fact, i’d be surprised if his wealthy friends are not giving money to their friends in the government in this effort.

So, I have offered  my friend an idea:

How ’bout all your friends go around every pay day and ask their minimum wage employees if they can have some money. Not ask if they can borrow some money, but ask if they can have some money. Tell them how it’s for their own good. Run massive advertising campaigns to educate the poor, stupid slobs so they understand it is in their best interest to give the boss some money.

Otherwise, you’re stealing from the working poor 

Is that what you men by freedom?

ss ff

What my freedom loving friend is proposing here isn’t quite breach of contract, but it’s close and almost as heinous.

The working poor have, in effect, appointed the government as their agents. The bosses accepted the terms of the contract the government negotiated on behalf of the working poor

Now, the bosses – who are jealous of their boss friends who are able to outsource their work to places where there is cheap labour – are attempting to bribe the agents of the working poor to fuck their “clients”.

In this ongoing FB debate, another friend piped in thus:

Everyone has the opportunity to be independent and not work for someone else. Some will succeed and some will fail. It is not a class war. If you are lazy, stupid, uneducated or have made a series of bad life choices then your plight is your own. I have been insolvent, broke and waaay in debt over my head. I made it through without crying to the state to bail me out or pay my rent. Unless you are mentally incapable of managing your own affairs then get off your ass and provide for yourself.

I asked if he filed for bankruptcy protection. Because, if he did, he used the power of Our Mother the State to protect him.

How, pray tell, is bankruptcy different from welfare?

Champions League explained for ignoid Mairkans

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Things are not going as I hoped in the Champions League.  I don’t really care, because I’m an Ajax fan,

ajax

and we never make it out of the group stage anymore.

Chelsea eliminated Paris St. Germain, and Real Madrid knocked out Borussia Dortmund on Tuesday.

For the sake of illuminating those of you who are wholly ignorant about how the UEFA Champions League works,

huh

let me give this brief explanation of the knockout stages, which start with the round of 16.

Two sides are pitted against each other. Two game series, each getting a home game. Win both and you’re through to the next round, obviously. But if both teams win a game, as was the case  with PSG vs Chelsea and Real vs Dortmund, most goals scored goes through. If both teams score an equal number of goals, the team that scored more away goals goes through.

huh

PSG was at home for the first game of their tussle with Chelsea. PSG won 3 – 1. Chelsea scored a second goal with just a few minutes to play on Tuesday, giving them a 2 – 0 victory. Both teams scored three goals in the two matches. But Chelsea goes through to the semis because they scored a goal in Paris, whereas PSG got shut out in London

huh

Real scored a 3 – 0 win at home last week against Dortmund. Dortmund beat Real 2 – 0 on Tuesday. One win each, but Real wins on aggregate 3 – 2. Had Borussia scored a third goal yesterday, they would have gone into extra time (overtime, but not sudden death overtime). Had the score remainedtied, they’d have gone to penalties (a shootout)

huh

Chelsea will face the winners of the Manchester United / Bayern Munich  showdown, and Real will go head to head with  either arch rival Barcelona, or current La Liga leaders Athletico Madrid. Those semi finals slots will be filled today, when Man u travel to Munich and Barcelona head to Madrid for the second legs of their clashes.

huh

Man U managed a 1 – 1 draw against Bayern. Barca and Athletico also payed to a 1 – 1 stalemate.

So… oh, never mind, you stupid Mairkans. Go back to watching baseball and come back in a couple weeks,when the semis start, and I’ll attempt to learn y’all some more ’bout football.

huh

 

Fill ‘er up, mister?

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gas wars

 

Gas wars

Humanity?

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wealth

You’re in your big boat. All around you people are drowning. You can save them, easily enough

Butt you don’t. Because you are fishing. Or water skiing. Or you don’t want to burn the gas, despite the fact that you own a gas station

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