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They say that masturbation is a sin, but Patrick Roy proved that “pulling the goalie” prematurely pays off some times and can even turn tears into laughter

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As history has recorded, Patrick Roy is not overly fond of coaches who leave their goalies in between the pipes when it’s clear they should be elsewhere.

roy and tremblay 1

roy and trembaly 2

So it should come as little surprise that St. Patrick pulled Semyon Varlamov when his Avs trailed the visiting Minnesota Wild by a goal late in last night’s opening game of their Round of 16 playoff series. 

roy pulls goalie

Any coach would have pulled his goalie in that situation, of course. But Roy yanked his ‘tender with three minutes and one second left on the clock.

It’s a foregone conclusion that Roy will win the Jack Adams Trophy (best coach) this year, but if the NHL had a time machine Gary Bettman would be DOCTOR WHOing himself back in time this morning,

dr who time travel

so he could hand the hardware to Roy last night. Bettman would have to go fetch the Adams Trophy from wherever it’s kept (the Hockey Hall of Fame, in Trawna?)

4.1.1

and ABRA-CADABRAed himself back to Denver as soon as Varlamov broke for the Avs bench.

If there were any justice in the world (past, present or future), Bettman, the stupid Mairkan, would have been left behind in the past, but more likely the case that the bastard would, through some sort of black magic, have wriggled his way back into the British Police Call Box and made it back to the game.

Bettman would have to remain in the shadows with the trophy until Paul Stasny made a genius out of Roy by tying the game at 4 with 13.4 seconds left on the clock (this time travel expedition is really fucking up my tenses, huh?). But when the red light started spinning behind the Minnesota net, Bettman could have appeared next to whomever was doing colour commentary from between the benches

between the benches

and explained what was going on.

Then, when Stasny scored the winner at 7:27 of the first overtime, Bettman could pounce over the boards, order the spotlight to beam on him, not Stasny, and hand Roy the silverware.

Indeed, it’s a good thing that my Habs are serious cup contenders, because if they’d not made it into the playoffs, me and the entire population of Quebec would be howling for the head of Marc Bergevin for passing Roy over and installing Michel Therrien as the bench boss of les Glorieux, instead.

Three minutes and one second? Are you kidding? No one pulls their goalie with that much time left.

Well, actually, I’ve seen it before. Actually, actually, I played in a game where our goalie was pulled with over 19 minutes left to play.

Yeah, yeah, I know, you don’t give a fuck about my glorieux days. You wanna read about the NHL playoffs. Well, go ahead. I’m sure you can find tens of thousands of stories about last night’s games in less than a second. But this is the only place your ever gonna get this story, and I’m the only fucker who can tell it.

I’m the only one who can tel it, in the written form, because – while there were a couple thousand people who witnessed it, or were involved in it – I’m the only one who is literate enough to write about it (we are talking about hockey players and fans, after all, n’est-ce pas?).

I was playing Junior, in Manitoba. Tier II Junior A. The Snow Lake Spartans. It was 1982. We had the worst team in the history of Junior hockey. We had no business being in a Junior A league. Junior C, maybe.

Snow Lake is so small it doesn't even appear on the map of Manitoba. It is located about halfway between Thompson and Flin Flon, approximately 500 miles north of Winnipeg

Snow Lake is so small it doesn’t even appear on the map of Manitoba. It is located about halfway between Thompson and Flin Flon, approximately 500 miles north of Winnipeg. Or maybe it’s not even there anymore.

We were contenders at the start of the year. Then the price of copper dropped horribly. Snow Lake, you may have guessed, is a copper mining town. The team lured players by getting them jobs in the mine. When the bottom dropped out of the precious metals market, half our team packed their bags and went home. I wasn’t going home. I didn’t give a fuck about job. In fact, I didn’t even take job when it was offered to me. Me and job don’t care much for each other.

So, it was me, a couple Indians from Sioux Lookout and a bunch of homeboys, some of whom were pretty damned good. Some. Like… one of them. The rest were bums. Including our goalie, who was 14 years old. Back then, Junior hockey started at 17. If you were real good, you might make a team at 16. Not even Gretzky played Junior at 14. Our goalie was 14. The last line of defence behind a very porous blueline.

Seriously, we sucked. A good midget team would have kicked our asses

No, no, not that kind of midget, you ignorant, racist Mairkans. Midget is the last age division before Jumior

No, no, not that kind of midget, you ignorant, racist Mairkans. Midget is the last age division before Jumior

A bunch of girls could have beaten our asses, especially if they looked like this!

hockey babe

Even these guys could have stomped us

sled hockey

Our goalie, the little fucker, was… well, a little fucker. He was under five foot.

peewee

Even for a kid, that was short. And he wasn’t good enough t be playing Bantam A, never mind Junior A. But he was a keener. And we had no choice. Coach asked if anyone wanted to put the pads on and get between the pipes.  We were averaging about 75 shots against, per game, by then. Coach got no takers.

We were in The Pas. The Huskies had already pumped about a hundred shots on the poor kid by the end of the second period. The kid only let in a dozen or so goals, but his entrance into the dressing room was something like this

The Huskies scored two more in the first minute of the third. Coach Baird, a hometown boy,

baird

threw his hands up in the air and ordered the kid to come to the bench. For his own protection.  We didn’t have a backup goalie. It didn’t matter; Ken Dryden could not have saved us.

dryden

Fuckin’ H E Double Hockey Styx, Jesus Fucking Christ could not have saved us.

jesus goalie

The Huskies’ coach laughed. The fucker was falling down laughing behind his bench. When he ordered his goalie to the bench, the whole arena burst into laughter.

The officials conferenced. They scratched their heads. They determined that there was nothing in the rules necessitating the use of goalies in a game. They dropped the puck.

We lost 24 – 8.

It was like playing pond hockey! There wasn’t a single fight in the third period. If a junior game went a period without a fight in those days, it was a sure sign that the apocalypse was nigh. The Lost Tribes of Israel must be gathering in the parking lot outside the rink. The ref was turn into a Sasquatch. The The menstrual blood of  unbaptized virgins was going to stream out of the Zamboni.

zamboni blood

There. That wasn’t such a bad story, was it? It didn’t hurt you none, did it?  You’ll remember it long after you’ve forgotten all about last night’s games, won’t you?

Good. Now share it with your friends. If you do, I promise to come back with more yuks for y’all, yeah?

Let this be the last year of the NHL

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It’s one of the oldest jokes I know. Every hockey fan in Canada has heard at least as far back as when I was a kid, back in the 70s – You know it’s autumn when the Leafs are falling; you know it’s spring when the Leafs are out.

Bye bye Trawna.

leaf fairy

See you next year, losers.

Despite the fact that the only thing I like about Trawna is Rob Ford

ford shirt

I would like to see the Leafs make the playoffs a little more often. And fuck me dead! the last time a Canadian team won the cup was when my Habs beat the Gretzky Kings in 93. Gretzky’s Kings beat the Leafs in a semi final that went to seven games, depriving Canadians of a Habs/Leafs final.

habs kid punches leafs kid

There has not been an all Canadian Cup final since original six expansion in 68.

original six

12 teams

That sorry story has to change.

Yes, I do have a plan. My plan would mean that there would never be another all Canadian Cup final, but it would also mean that there will always be a 50/50 chance that there would be at Canadian team facing off for hockey’s Holy Grail.

But bear with me a minute, while I give y’all some background.

Between 68 (expansion past the original six) and 93, Canadian teams won the Stanley Cup 16 times.

68, 69, 71, 73, 76, 77, 78, 79, 86, 93

68, 69, 71, 73, 76, 77, 78, 79, 86, 93

84, 85, 87, 88, 90

84, 85, 87, 88, 90

89

89

In the same period, American teams won 10 cups.

In that time span Canadian teams lost in the finals twice.

82

82

83

83

Canadian teams won the Cup six straight years, from 86 to 90.

Since the Habs skated away with Lord Stanley’s silver chalice last, in 93,

habs 93

Canadian team,s have reached the finals only five times. Four of those five times, our champions broke our hearts n game seven (Canucks 94 and 11, Flames 04, Oilers 06 – the Sens lost to the Ducks in five games, in 07).

This year, the only Canadian team to make the playoffs are the Habs. Who will win the Cup this year. But, if I had my way, there would be four Canadian teams, including the Leafs, in this year’s playoffs. And there would be four Canadian teams in the playoffs every year.  And four American teams. And four Russian teams. And four European teams.

I first came up with this scheme when it was evident that the 05/05 lockout was coming to an end. Tampa Bay had beaten Calgary in the 04 finals,

I don't ever wanna see that filthy rodent laying his greasy claws on the stanley Cup ever again. I'd rather see him molesting children

I don’t ever wanna see that filthy rodent laying his greasy claws on the Stanley Cup again. I’d rather see him molesting children

before the relationship between owners and players got very cold and the ice melted.

The work stoppage created a fantastic opportunity to make significant improvements to what had become a god-awful product. And even with all the “improvements” invoked since hen, we are still stuck with the same mediocre, damn-near-impossible-to-follow league we had when the Lightning skated off the ice with the Stanley Cup.

The idea that a team from Tampa Bay could win the Stanley Cup is proof positive that the NHL has mutated into a creature that no hockey fan can understand. That Carolina and Anaheim have won it since gives me an aneurysm. The Tampa Bay - Calgary series was a great final only because Calgary was in it. But would anyone have watched so much as a period if Tampa Bay had played Nashville for the Cup? The answer to that question is FUCK NO!

Can any hockey fan get excited by the prospect of one day seeing Carolina playing Anaheim in the finals? How about Phoenix vs. Columbus? Doesn’t that give you goose pimples just thinking about it?

As can be said for many things in the world, the biggest problem with the NHL is Mairka.

To steal your shit, rape your women and kill you?

To steal your shit, fuck your women and kill you?

There are far too many teams in places they don’t belong.

Hockey is never gonna make it in markets where it has to compete with this for the attention of males in January

Hockey is never gonna make it in markets where it has to compete with this for the attention of males in January

That fact, more than even the neutral zone trap, has made an NHL season an eight-month borefest. If hockey is going to gain back its title as the world’s greatest game, radical steps have to be taken because expansion into places like Florida, California and Arizona has made the NHL the worst professional sports league in the world.

The solution is simple — scrap the NHL and start over. Create a truly International Hockey League by having a North American conference and a European conference. Twelve teams in each conference, two divisions of six within the conferences.

Kill off the Canucks (Vancouver isn’t really part of Canada, anyway. If you can’t, at noon on January 1, flood the main intersection of a town and play hockey an hour later, you’re not in Canada and you sure as Hell can’t do that in Raincouver). Move the Sens to Quebec City (The Battle of Ontario is a Herlequin Romance

battle of ontario

compared to the Battle of Quebec).

battle of quebec

Nuke all but Chicago, Detroit, New York (Rangers), Minnesota (make them the North Stars again), Colorado and Philadelphia south of the border.

(Yes, Boston fans, no more big, bad Bruins. What’s the point? They’re never going to beat the Habs in the playoffs again, anyway, so why bother?)

Six teams in Russia.

Plus Stockholm, Helsinki, Prague, Berlin, Munich, Zurich.

euro hockey

Another problem with the NHL is that there are too many games in a season. We don’t need 82 games.

The IHL season would be 68 games long. Each team plays its conference rivals twice at home and twice on the road, for a total of 44 conference games. All teams make one swing through the other continent, playing all 12 teams once.

This will create a genuine sense of expectation for each and every game for the home fans.

fight

sikhs

Wouldn’t fans be happier to shell out their money to see a team from mysterious and exotic St. Petersburg, Berlin or Prague than a bunch of lunch-buckets from Columbus, Dallas or Washington?

At the end of the 68-game season, four teams in each conference are eliminated. Canadian champs play the American champs for the right to contest the Stanley Cup against the European champs.

In the IHL, a Canadian team would do battle with a pack of hockey infidels from the good old U.S. of A.

Ice Hockey - Winter Olympics Day 14 - United States v Canada

for the honour of battling the champions of Europe for the greatest and most prestigious trophy in sport every year.

That’s drama, intrigue, rivalry, patriotism. That’s what can make this once great game great again.

And, even if the Canadian champions were to lose to the hated Americans once in a while, a final between Minnesota and Moscow is still going to be more compelling than a Florida- San Jose final.

Let’s face it, hockey fans, the NHL sucks. Hockey deserves better than the NHL. Hockey fans deserve better than the NHL. Hockey fans on both sides of the Atlantic deserve an International Hockey League.

 

Sex crimes

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phone call

An FB friend posted, today, that, after a long period of online harassment, it is believed that the stalker has been identified. The alleged stalker was stalking and harassing a lot of people.

The victims believe they know where the stalker works.

I suggested that, if the victims are sure that dude is guilty, dead sure, they should call his place of employment, when they know he’s not working, and ask for him by name. When they say he’s not there, ask them to tell him to call Detective Ryan at the RCMP Sex Crimes Division, as soon as he comes in.

Super size my freedom fries, slave

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I have a friend, who claims to be a libertarian. He and I both know that he is not. Marina mocks him, saying, “Real libertarians will not play with you.” But he continues the charade, kinda like the guys in the nuthouse who claim to be Jesus, or Napoleon etc.

My friend does not believe in coercion. He is, of late, campaigning for an end to minimum wages. He insists it’s for the good of the working poor.

Minimum wages exist now. Let’s say it’s $7 an hour. I think it safe to assume that the people working for minimum wage are not in favour of having of a pay cut.

So, my friend, who does not believe in THE STATE, or coercion, want to use the power of the state to take money away from the poor slobs.

I assume that my fiends, and his like minded brethren, are in a minority. I doubt they have a great deal of popular support for their scheme. So, they are attempting to use whatever power they have to convince the government to steal money from the working poor. 

I would not be surprised to learn that my friend’s friends are giving money to their friends in government in an attempt to take money away from the working poor. In fact, i’d be surprised if his wealthy friends are not giving money to their friends in the government in this effort.

So, I have offered  my friend an idea:

How ’bout all your friends go around every pay day and ask their minimum wage employees if they can have some money. Not ask if they can borrow some money, but ask if they can have some money. Tell them how it’s for their own good. Run massive advertising campaigns to educate the poor, stupid slobs so they understand it is in their best interest to give the boss some money.

Otherwise, you’re stealing from the working poor 

Is that what you men by freedom?

ss ff

What my freedom loving friend is proposing here isn’t quite breach of contract, but it’s close and almost as heinous.

The working poor have, in effect, appointed the government as their agents. The bosses accepted the terms of the contract the government negotiated on behalf of the working poor

Now, the bosses – who are jealous of their boss friends who are able to outsource their work to places where there is cheap labour – are attempting to bribe the agents of the working poor to fuck their “clients”.

In this ongoing FB debate, another friend piped in thus:

Everyone has the opportunity to be independent and not work for someone else. Some will succeed and some will fail. It is not a class war. If you are lazy, stupid, uneducated or have made a series of bad life choices then your plight is your own. I have been insolvent, broke and waaay in debt over my head. I made it through without crying to the state to bail me out or pay my rent. Unless you are mentally incapable of managing your own affairs then get off your ass and provide for yourself.

I asked if he filed for bankruptcy protection. Because, if he did, he used the power of Our Mother the State to protect him.

How, pray tell, is bankruptcy different from welfare?

Champions League explained for ignoid Mairkans

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Things are not going as I hoped in the Champions League.  I don’t really care, because I’m an Ajax fan,

ajax

and we never make it out of the group stage anymore.

Chelsea eliminated Paris St. Germain, and Real Madrid knocked out Borussia Dortmund on Tuesday.

For the sake of illuminating those of you who are wholly ignorant about how the UEFA Champions League works,

huh

let me give this brief explanation of the knockout stages, which start with the round of 16.

Two sides are pitted against each other. Two game series, each getting a home game. Win both and you’re through to the next round, obviously. But if both teams win a game, as was the case  with PSG vs Chelsea and Real vs Dortmund, most goals scored goes through. If both teams score an equal number of goals, the team that scored more away goals goes through.

huh

PSG was at home for the first game of their tussle with Chelsea. PSG won 3 – 1. Chelsea scored a second goal with just a few minutes to play on Tuesday, giving them a 2 – 0 victory. Both teams scored three goals in the two matches. But Chelsea goes through to the semis because they scored a goal in Paris, whereas PSG got shut out in London

huh

Real scored a 3 – 0 win at home last week against Dortmund. Dortmund beat Real 2 – 0 on Tuesday. One win each, but Real wins on aggregate 3 – 2. Had Borussia scored a third goal yesterday, they would have gone into extra time (overtime, but not sudden death overtime). Had the score remainedtied, they’d have gone to penalties (a shootout)

huh

Chelsea will face the winners of the Manchester United / Bayern Munich  showdown, and Real will go head to head with  either arch rival Barcelona, or current La Liga leaders Athletico Madrid. Those semi finals slots will be filled today, when Man u travel to Munich and Barcelona head to Madrid for the second legs of their clashes.

huh

Man U managed a 1 – 1 draw against Bayern. Barca and Athletico also payed to a 1 – 1 stalemate.

So… oh, never mind, you stupid Mairkans. Go back to watching baseball and come back in a couple weeks,when the semis start, and I’ll attempt to learn y’all some more ’bout football.

huh

 

Fill ‘er up, mister?

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gas wars

 

Gas wars

Humanity?

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wealth

You’re in your big boat. All around you people are drowning. You can save them, easily enough

Butt you don’t. Because you are fishing. Or water skiing. Or you don’t want to burn the gas, despite the fact that you own a gas station

Hoping PSG, a team I hate, will beat Chelsea, a team I hate more, and other weird political football logic

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Despite what I told you lat week about having nothing but disdain for Bumblefuck, and wanting very much to see Manchester United play through to the final of this year’s Champions League, so their fans can suffer greater agony by losing to a German team, I am cheering for Paris St. Germain to win their quarter final over Chelsea.

psg

If Chelsea manages to overcome a 3 – 1 deficit and eliminate PSG tonight, they would play Man U in one semi-final. That would mean that at least one Bumblefuck team would make it through to the final, where, hopefully, they will be crushed.  Logically, then, I should be cheering for Chelsea tonight, right?  Wrong.

Why? Because as much a i hate Bumblefuck, I hate French football even more. Why? Because the French don’t give a flying fuck about football and no team that comes from a city or country that does not care about the sport they play should ever beat a team that comes from a place where their fans live and die with them. For all their faults, the Bumblefucks love football. The French? Com se, com sa.

I was in France for World Cup 98. En route to St. Etienne, to watch the England vs Argentina round of 16 match, I stopped in a small town for the night. Every municipality in France had at least one big screen TV set up in the town square, so everyone could gather and watch the world’s greatest sporting spectacle together.

wc 98

The French were playing Paraguay in their first elimination round match. It was beautiful, sunny Sunday. A perfect day to do nothing but watch football. There were not more than a dozen people watching the match with me. When Laurent Blanc scored, in the football equivalent of double overtime,

blanc

no one cared.

Le yawn.

le yawn

France, of course, went on to win that World Cup by stunning Brazil 3 – 1, after they drugged the Brazilian superstar Ronaldo  the night before the game. And then the French were all about football! Fair weather fans. Fuck ‘em!

So, I want to see PSG triumph over Chelsea tonight and go on to meet Man U in the semis. Because I want those fair weather Frenchies to feel the crush of an English football cleat on their fickle Frenchie faces when they are even closer to glory.

french cry

I also want to see PSG beat Chelsea because Chelsea is owned by Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich.

ab

The multi billionaire bought Chelsea back in 2003. He did so with money that he purloined from the Russian people by being Boris Yeltsin’s bum buddy, after the dissolution of the Soviet Union.

When Yeltsin turned over ownership of the Soviet Union’s business assets to his sycophants, Abramovich was at the front of the line. Call me a Marxist, if you want, but I find that kind of out-and-out theft from the poor and downtrodden reprehensible.

Abramovich has poured money into Chelsea bu the whell barrow load. He’s buying his stairway to heaven. Actually, he bought his stairway to heaven, when Chelsea defeated Bayren Munich in the 2012 Champions League final.

PD*6651553

And I hate it when people buy championships (although I would not mind if the Vikings could buy themselves a Super Bowl at some point in my life, preferably before Adrian Peterson is still a one-eyed, one-horned, flying, purple people-eater).

Now, some Arab oil sheiks are trying to buy their own stairway to heaven with PSG. The Qutari governemnt – through its sovereign wealth fund, the Qutar Investment Authority – purchased majority ownership of PSG in 2011. Qutar will play host to the 2022 World Cup. I suspect that the Emir won that honour for his country by greasing a lot of FIFA palms.

Now, the Qutaris are cutting corners to pay for all that FIFA baksheesh. The de facto slaves they’ve imported from the poorest countries of the world  to build the infrastructure needed to host a World Cup, in insane 40 + degree heat, are being worked, literally, to death.

guardian

I’ll get around to posting about this horror show at another date but suffice it to say that I find it difficult to get behind any team owned by such monsters.

The only thing I like about PSG is their star striker, Zlatan Ibrahimović. The big Swede – yeah, I know, funny name for a Swede – is a magician. He scored one of the three most spectacular goals I have ever seen, in a Sweden vs England friendly on November 14, 2012

FYI, the other two unbelievable goals I’ve seen live (on TV, not in person) are:

Diego Maradona, Argentine vs England, World Cup 1986

Everyone knows the infamous Hand of God goal from that game but watch what he did to follow it up

My favourite is the Dutchman Dennis Bergkamp’s gem from the 1998 World Cup Holland vs Argentina quarter final.

I love this goal not only for its brilliance but because Holland is my favourite football country and it’s against Argentina, who beat the Dutch in the final of the 1978 World Cup. That tourney was staged in Argentina and it is widely accepted that the Arhie-Bargoies  bought their way int the knockout round

It’s also alleged that another wedge of cash had to go the Peruvian government, as the Argentines resorted to bribing Peru in a their final group game, where Argentina needed to win at least 4-0 to guarantee progression to the semis. Peru were no means a bad side, and when they lost 6-0 eyebrows were raised.

The Sunday Times broke this story on the eve of England’s clash with Argentina in 1986, claiming that Argentina had shipped 35,000 tons of free grain to Peru, along with free arms and unfroze $50m in credits that the Argentine national bank was holding. With Peruvian generals short of money and happy to help a fellow junta, they were happy to assist.

 Anyway, here’s the Bergkamp beauty:

Tonight’s other quarter final match is between Real Madrid and Borussia Dortmund. I explained last week why I want Dortmud to win it all this year. Alas, they lost the first leg against Real 3 – 0, in Madrid and will need something akin to a miracle to go through to the semis, but it’s not beyond belief. Should Borussia knock off Real I will further explainwhy I like Dortmucd. Should Real triumph, I will explain why I hate RealMadrid.

And I will endeavor to preview tomorrow’s other quarter final match-ups on the morrow. Last week Manchester United fought Bayer Munich to a 1 – 1 draw on their home field at Old Trafford, and Athletico Madrid managed a 1 – 1 draw against mighty Barcelona, in Barcelona.

Too short, too fat, too white to give a fuck about basketball

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I’ve just watched the NCAA basketball championships game. I’ve already forgotten who won.

yukon huskies

I just don’t give a fuck about basketball.  It’s not that I am not in awe of the physical grace of the players, because I am. As I am with world class athletes in all sports. But I’m a short, fat white guy – 5’9″, 200 lbs. – so basketball is a sport played by an alien species.

alien basketball

This is the first time I’ve watched a basketball game since the 1988 NCAA final. Kansas vs Oklahoma.

kansas over sooners

I had to look up who it was that played Kansas. I remembered that the Jayhawks won, but had no recollection of the Somers being their opponents. Which is kinda strange, ’cause I’ve been a Sooners football fan since the early 70s. Like I say, I just don’t give a fuck about basketball.

I was hitchhiking back to my home in Vancouver, after visiting a high school friend in LA. It was a Monday, of course. I was somewhere in Northern California. Might have been Southern Oregon. It was a pretty, little podunk town.

podunk oregon

It was kinda hot. Hot for March, to a young man from frozen Cannuckistan.

I was in no hurry. I had all the time i the world. I had a year of Unemployment Insurance coming to me, after spending a Hellish year working for the railroad in my shithole hometown. I’d gone back home after my brother blew his head off with a 44 magnum. No, that doesn’t have anything to do with basketball. I’m just trying to keep this interesting for y’all while I make up the rest of this one in my head.

I was thirsty.

Mighty thirsty.

I stumbled out of the sun and into a smokey little tavern around 5 PM. That’s a bit early to start getting your drink on, but I could knock back 50 or 60 of those piss-water Mairkan beers in those days, so why the fuck not?

cat piss

So long as I stayed away from the whisky, I’d be okay. So long as I stayed away from the whisky and didn’t start talking politics, I’d be okay.

At half time I was bored shitless, so I started drinking whisky. And talking politics. Or trying to. They boys kept pointing at the TV and telling me to shut the fuck up. So I did.

makers

I tried playing basketball in high school. I didn’t suck. I was good enough to make the team, but we were all a bunch of short white guys. I wasn’t fat back them. I was, in fact, an outstanding athlete. Captain of my hockey, football and baseball teams. But basketball made no sense to me.

Basketball season started after football season. We were already a couple months into hockey season. I just could not make the adjustment to a non-contact sport.

basketball homos

My basketball career came to an abrupt and ugly end about three or four games into the season. Dude charged in from my flank and tried to cut around me for a lay-up. When he left his feet, I hit him with a hip check. That poor motherfucker splattered all over the paint. One of his teammates tried to get in my face. I one-punched him into next week. It was like Kermit Washingtom vs Rudy Tonjanovich. Boom boom out go the lights!

kermit washingtn

Coach kicked me off the team. I didn’t give a fuck. The outdoor rinks had just opened, so I had something better to do after school.

I’ll bet that I was not the only one, here in Yugoslavia, who was up ’til 5 AM watching the game this morning. Yugoslavia was a big basketball country.

yugo basket

I understand there are all sorts of Yugoslavians playing in the NBA. And you get the odd Mairkan playing in the domestic league here. I met one of them about a year ago.

Dude was about six foot. Black. There are no black dudes in Yugoslavia. When you see one, you know he’s either here to play football, or to play basketball. I ran into this dude at a bar. We were both sitting by ourselves. He was the only guy who stood out from the crowd more than I do, with my Viking mane or red/blond hair.

viking hair

I asked where he was from. Missouri.

I knew he was here to play basketball and asked him how his season was going. He said it was okay. I asked how he was enjoying life in Yugoslavia. He said he was really enjoying it. I don’t doubt it. Next to the Sudanese, Montenegrins are the tallest people in the world. Lots of 6 foot tall drop dead gorgeous girls here. I’m sure the brother was up to his foul line in Glamazons.

black on white

He can have all of them,. I prefer my girls 5’2″ and under.

tall girl

He told me something I already knew. That the people are very friendly. I laughed, “They all want to have their pictures taken with you, right?” He smiled. They did.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it’s because he’s black, not because he’s some kind of star.

jordan

Well, that’s it. That’s all I got for you. Hey, if you’re reading this because you’re a basketball fan, you weren’t gonna learn anything from my ignorant ass, anyway. And it ain’t like your paying to read this nonsense.

I don’t think I;ll be writing about basketball again for another  - let’s see, 1988 to 2014- for another 26 years. I’ll be 76 then. Probably drooling all over myself. Hands to crippled to type. I’ll have to yell at you, “Hey! Sonny. you wanna hear some basketball stories. I was hitchhiking back from LA….”

From the dumpster springs a fairy tale

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dinner

That pic up there is from Atlanta. It was supposed to be a wedding. But the happily-ever-after turned into “OMG WTF am I thinking? I’m outta here!”

The wedding was cancelled 40 days before the big day. According to the news story, which I picked up on my Facebook feed, it was too late cancel and get the money back. Yeah, that sounds a bit screwy, but I’m rolling with it.

The bride and her family decided to invite 200 homeless people to have a four course gourmet meal with them on the wedding day. Good on ‘em!

I shared the story on Facebook, and joked that they should throw in an open bar and let the hunt for a new groom begin.

A friend cracked wise – “Yeah, ’cause it’s every girl’s dream to marry a homeless dude.”

To which I replied, “I was homeless when Marina met me and we have the best marriage in the world.”

To quote Dubya – never misunderestimate the power of love.

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